Oh sure, just invite me to a NAKED party!

What do you know? This temperamental beast restarted yet AGAIN, barely 40 minutes after the LAST one! Good thing I have some draft entries on hand...

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Fun Times

"Brad said I'd love fishing, so I got up at 4 AM to be offshore by dawn. Half asleep, I watched him catch a dozen bluefish. He showed me how to clean and gut them. Fish tissue and blood all over the deck, all over ME. He thought it was wonderful." - Tracey, age 27.

"We signed up for ballroom dancing. We thought it would be "our thing." But Kathy kicked when she should have dipped, and I was a soprano for the rest of the weekend. So we signed up for bridge lessons. Kathy fell asleep at the second class. Next, I think we'll try a movie." - Stan, age 56.

"Ed and I stay together ONLY because we have an agreement: I don't make him garden, and he doesn't make me bowl." - Sharon, age 49.

"He's a dentist, and he collects old dentistry equipment. All over his house, like works of art. I don't mean just old chairs and skinny little drawers. He has mirrors, the pliers, picks, hammers... he loves to show them to you, discuss how they were used - it reminded me of a torture chamber." - Lenore, age 33.

"He took me home to show me his butterfly collection. Hundreds, thousands of dead bugs pinned to the walls, all over the house. Even in the powder room. Everywhere. I've had nightmares about that place." - Anne, age 26.

"He brought me to a party. Everyone was stark naked. Before I could close my mouth... he'd shed his shirt, dropped his trousers, and plopped into the hot tub, from which he told me how I'd be much less conspicuous if I disrobed." - Debbie, age 34.

"Raymond took me to a party, offered me marijuana, and started licking my shoulder." - Virginia, age 21.

"Every day at work, I'd see Ted in conservative business suits. But when he showed up for a date, I almost didn't recognize him. He had his hair slicked back and wore a nylon shirt, unbuttoned halfway down his chest to show off his chest hair. And gold chains, half a dozen of them, around his neck. Polyester everything. His REAL self. A regular party animal, from the seventies." - Celia, age 45.

"I had a blind date for my sorority's fall hayride. We had to take a long ride on a school bus to get to the stables. It was crowded, so the girls all sat on their dates' laps. My date promptly proceeded to throw up all over the back of the $100 sweater I'd bought for this event. He claimed it was something he ate, but he didn't need to tell me that - I was well aware of what he'd eaten. I was wearing a nasty combination of a sausage pizza and beer." - Corrie, age 22.

"We spent the weekend doing his errands - his grocery shopping, laundry, fixing up, and cleaning up. When I got home, MY grocery list / laundry / cleaning were waiting to greet me. Of course, he couldn't stay to help; he needed time to relax." - Gwen, age 39.

"Leo never made plans. He'd show up, but he had no ideas about what to do next. It was like: Here I am. What are you going to do with me?" - Adelle, age 30.

"Morris arrived and sat. He wouldn't budge. He sat on my sofa and watched TV. Sometimes he'd ask for a beer or a soft drink. At first, I waited for him to get up and tell me where we were going. But he never did. And when he was leaving, he'd say something like how he was glad that I didn't want to go out because it was much nicer to stay in!" - Evelyn, age 66.

"Every weekend, Walter brought his laundry to my place. His laundry room is in the basement of his building. He said he'd rather wash in a machine where he knows who else uses it. He used my bleach and my detergent. I spent Saturday nights folding his shirts." - April, age 37.

"He thought it would be fun to get my parakeet drunk, and poured vodka into its water. The next day, it was dead. He denies this ever happened." - Gail, age 30.

"I was invited to my office's fiftieth anniversary. I brought Les as my date. Everyone from work was there - the owners of the company, my boss, HIS boss. And Les loved the band so much, he took it upon himself to start break-dancing. It caught everyone's eye. The party stopped; everyone watched him. I tried to leave quietly, as if I had no idea who he was. Of course, he had the keys to the car." - Jasmine, age 21.

"With Nick, it's never just a date. It's parasailing, deep-sea fishing, soaring, snorkeling, hiking. I long to sack out beside a TV and munch a pizza. But he thinks I'm his soulmate; I don't dare tell him." - Faith, age 22.

"The woman could not dance. She had absolutely no rhythm, couldn't follow my lead, nothing. None. It was like she was stomping out a fire. Or killing army ants. I had to move away or get hurt." - Kenneth, age 31.

"He was a great dancer, and I was having a blast. Until I ran my hand through his hair and he ran, screaming, literally howling, off the dance floor. He was gone, in the men's room for about twenty minutes. When he came back, he told me never, never under any circumstances, to touch his hair. Trust me..." - Donna, age 34.

"It was snowing pretty bad, so her parents suggested I spend the night in the guestroom. As I was going to bed, they said: "By the way, Blossom's loose - don't be surprised if you see her." I figured Blossom was a rabbit or a hamster, since I'd seen a cage in the family room. I'm asleep. I dream something very long and slithery is sliding up my leg onto my belly. A python? A boa? Some very large snake. Suddenly, I open my eyes and realize I'm not dreaming. I fly out of bed, run screaming down the hall. I'm sputtering, unable to make words. My date, her parents, and her sisters come out of their rooms. That's when I realize I'm standing there stark naked. Her dad grins and says that he guesses I found Blossom." - Steve, age 24.

"We were in the mall. They pipe in music. Gary grabs me and starts dancing around the floor, waltzing. Kill me, I think. Somebody just kill me now." - Erica, age 21.

"Waiting in line for tickets to a show, Brendan starts dancing. There's no music, no reason. He just dances in place, a little two-step. I think, does he have to go to the bathroom? Does anyone notice this but me? Is he dangerous?" - Linda, age 30.

"Dave asked me over for dinner. When I got there, he told me to "make myself at home," and then pumped iron in the basement for an hour. After that, he took a shower. It was like he didn't know I was there. I didn't get upset; I made long-distance calls. At least he'll know when the bill comes." - Dena, age 34.

"He likes to go bar-hopping. And it seems like, every bar we go to, the waitresses know him. Know him WELL." - Lois, age 31.

"After our first date, Trevor called my phone machine six or seven times a day with messages about what a good time he'd had, how he couldn't wait to see me again, how attractive he found me, how he couldn't get anything done because he was thinking about me, imagining our next time together. Gag me." - Gigi, age 22.

"As soon as Steve showed up, my phone rang. It was for him. The guy calling sounded like a thug. Steve apologized and said he'd given my phone number to his dispatcher, in case anyone needed him. He took the call and, as we started to leave, he got another. For about two weeks, he continued getting calls at my number. And some guy kept calling because he didn't believe me when I said Steve wasn't there and wasn't going to be, either. He called about four times in a half hour and said: "When you see him, you tell him to call me." It was scary." - Eva, age 31.

"Maureen has about forty locks on her door. You spend forty minutes getting in, and another forty relocking them from the inside. When you want to leave, it takes forty for her to unlock them to let you out. That's basically how we spent the evening." - Marc, age 23.

"Faye had lists of everything. She had them with her - a list for the supermarket, a list of chores, a list of people to call, a list of bills to pay. She even had a list of what she had to do that day, including our date - a schedule. And she checked items off one by one as we did them. Get picked up at 7. Check. Movie, 7:20. Check. At the door, we kissed, and I reminded her to check it off the list." - William, age 43.

"Gary requires equipment for everything he does. If we go for a hike, he needs to dress in mountain boots and carry a survival kit. He packs a pocketknife, sunscreen, bug spray, a water bottle, a jacket, candy bars, a first-aid kit, a flare gun, a camera, a phone... and THAT'S just to walk through the park." - Eden, age 40.

"Tom said he had shelves full of porno tapes. Instead of going out, he wanted to stay home and watch them. He also wanted to make our own." - Heather, age 30.