Don't take your contact lens out in the dark!

UGH. This thing just restarted! I should go to bed, anyhow...

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

Fun Times

"Paul videotapes everything. Every place we go, he takes the damn video camera, and extra batteries and cassettes. But he doesn't just tape places. If I want to discuss something important - like our relationship - he tells me to wait till he checks the sound levels, and to talk directly to the lens. He says he's working on a documentary of his life." - Casey, age 19.

"An evening with Missy is a talk-show marathon. She works all day, so she tapes the shows and watches them at night. That's all she wants to do. She talks about TV personalities as if they're her personal friends. She quotes Oprah and Montel, has a gripe with Sally. She adores Jerry, thinks he's a peach." - Alec, age 41.

"We played strip poker. I'm sitting there butt naked; she's taken off her watch. This was not what I'd had in mind." - Patrick, age 22.

"I wanted to impress John that I was the perfect mate for him - that I could manage his home, that I was competent / efficient / intelligent. But he had an electric stove, so there were no flames. When I made dinner, I didn't remember to turn off the burner and, ever so casually, holding a wine glass in my left hand, I leaned my right hand flat on the burner. You could hear the sizzle. I was too embarrassed to scream in front of John. I twisted a smile, made light of my mistake. And kept my hand slathered in aloe for the next three days." - Sue, age 26.

"Mark became possessed when we watched football. He couldn't just watch the game; he'd suddenly be on his feet, not just cheering... but yelling, screaming, jumping, cursing. He'd wave his arms, gesture, bang, pound, throw things. Then, just as suddenly, he'd sit down, like nothing had happened." - Gloria, age 39.

"Pete asked me out. He took me to his couch, in front of the TV. "Isn't this great? Everything I need's right here. Beer, the NBA, and thou. You can have your Vegas nights and Broadway nights. We're sitting on the best place on earth." " - Dana, age 28.

"I couldn't hear the movie. All I could hear was James smacking his lips and crunching his popcorn. Smack smack crunch crunch. Occasionally, a slurp of soda - which he finished, and then he sucked air through the straw." - Samantha, age 22.

"He chose the movie, but he talked the entire time - about nothing. People were going "Shh" and giving him dirty looks, but he kept talking, and not even about things that pertained to the plot or the scenery. He talked about what time it was, where he'd eaten lunch that day, his softball team. When the movie was over, I asked him if he'd enjoyed it. He said it was great, but I doubt he had a clue." - Toni, age 23.

"We went to a movie. Alec broke up laughing, I mean GUFFAWING, at NOTHING. Maybe he had a private joke that he alone could enjoy. But he laughed out loud, slapped his knee, doubled over. Maybe he was stoned? I don't know. I never asked." - Gena, age 40.

"Tamara cried through the whole show. I mean, she CRIED. Sobbed. I asked if she wanted to leave, go someplace else, go home. She apologized and said no, she was fine. But I could hear her sniffling through the whole movie. Afterward, I told her to cheer up. It was sad, but it was a MOVIE. She got mad at me. Like I must be a completely insensitive brute because I didn't weep." - Jeff, age 31.

"I'm the guy who took the girl to the movie where she dropped her contact lens. No kidding. The whole bit. Hunting under the seats, reaching into stuff mortal men fear to touch, fingering the soda and popcorn and sticky stuff you don't want to think about in search of her contact lens, which of course we never found. What was she taking it out for in the dark anyway?" - Stan, age 30.

"We went to the shore. I was sunbathing, unhooked my top to tan my back, and dozed off in the sun. Suddenly, cold water splashes on my back and I sit up startled, forgetting my bra. Mitch grins and says, "Oh, hello." Of course, he's talking to my chest." - Beverly, age 26.

"We went to see Dracula at a horror film festival. Tina sank down in her chair and hid behind her hands. When they got ready to drive the stake through the vampire's heart, Tina bolted out of her seat and ran out of the theater. I was telling her: "Tina, it's only a MOVIE." But she was outta there." - Sebastian, age 26.

"Joe's idea of a good time was having me watch him play video games at an arcade." - Katie, age 33.

"I take Sally to the movie and buy her a large popcorn. I hand it to her, and she spills it. The container falls right through her hands. So I go get back in line, wait, and buy her another. I get back into my seat and hand it to her, but I trip over some guy's feet, and this time, I drop the popcorn. By this time, we're ankle-deep in popcorn and the movie's been going for about fifteen minutes. But I'm determined. I go back, wait in the line again, and ten minutes later, having missed half an hour of the movie, I come back with the popcorn. She won't eat it. It seems she doesn't like it buttered." - Mike, age 28.

"I told her that I burn easily. It was a good way to get her to rub sunblock on my back - and all the other places I can't reach. And of course, I need several coats of it, given my fair complexion. I guess I'll say or do almost anything to get a back rub." - Sean, age 23.

"We drove to the ocean. She wanted to take my picture on the boardwalk. She got the camera focused on me, and she backed up to get her shot. I tried to warn her, but she stepped back anyhow and got hit by a bike. Meantime, in the confusion, her camera was sitting on the ground, and somebody stole it. Her leg swelled up like a football. And, as if that wasn't enough, it started to rain." - Mike, age 24.

"First date, Paul and I go to the zoo. It must be mating season. Everywhere we look, the animals are having sex. The giant tortoises are humping so slowly, the males groaning so loud, you think you should call a vet. The monkeys and chimpanzees are all banging away. It was like walking through a porno shop. I'm trying to find something else to talk about, but no. Paul thinks it's great. He points out one chimp who's not having sex. He's ignoring his mate and playing with himself - masturbating. I feel my skin turn bright red. I'm embarrassed. Paul says, "Poor guy. I've had dates like that. He got stuck with an ugly one." " - Maureen, age 25.

"I took her to a karaoke bar. She wouldn't get off stage. Other people wanted a turn, but she wouldn't surrender. They got her off for one number, a guy. Then she went back on stage and joined him. They needed the hook." - Peter, age 50.

"We spent a day at the beach. All Faith wanted to do was get a tan. No swimming, no surfing, no volleyball, no snorkeling, no windsurfing. The woman would not even walk around looking for shells. I couldn't even sit next to her to talk; I was "blocking the rays." Of course, she was sulking on the way home because she got burned." - Joe, age 30.

"Todd did magic tricks. He tried to impress me by taking quarters out of my nose. I thought he was getting romantic; he was taking a jack of hearts out of my blouse." - Sophie, age 21.

"It was a beautiful day in April. We drove to the shore. I parked my sports utility vehicle on the beach, and we got out to walk along the water. When we got back, the tide had come in and my vehicle had sunk to the hubcaps in the sand. It took the rest of the day to get help, because the beach was basically deserted, and the year-round residents I asked for help just came down to the beach and gawked, chuckling to themselves about the big-city jerk who got his fancy vehicle stuck in the sand. Let's just say that things did not go as I'd planned." - Ted, age 42.

"Bob's a gambler. He'll bet on anything. Not just at the casino or at cards; he bets on sports. He bets on who will win an election, which way a jury will decide, who'll get the most French fries, whether a coin will land heads up or down, whether or not he can break his record of nine orgasms in a day. And he is not a good loser." - Sammy, age 27.

"Dave and I met in Shakespeare class. All night, he kept slipping in and out of characters from the plays we were studying, quoting lines. He looked into my eyes and whispered: "Rose, Rose, Rose. That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." When it began to drizzle, he actually said: "The rain, it raineth every day." When I turned on the car radio, he commented: "If music be the food of love, play on." There was no conversation. Every time he opened his mouth, he'd be a character from a play. Never himself. At the end of the date, he told me that "parting was such sweet sorrow." Certainly the sweetest sorrow I've ever had." - Rose, age 19.

"Robert announced that he was going to have a political career, and was looking for an appropriate wife. He questioned me about possible scandals in my past, and wanted to role-play a variety of situations in which the first lady might find herself. He'd be a smarmy reporter, interviewing me. Or he'd be foreign royalty, greeting me. Apparently, he didn't think "Get stuffed" was a first lady kind of line." - Miranda, age 23.

"We took a day trip to attend an opening at an art gallery. I fell asleep on the train, on his shoulder. When I woke up, to my horror, I saw that I'd left a puddle of drool on his shoulder, on his black silk shirt. I didn't tell him about it, and hoped he wouldn't notice." - Susanna, age 34.