365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: February 2007

These stupid quotes are from The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Page-A-Day Calendar 2007.

Page-A-Day Calendars


Thursday, Feb. 1: Gee, I Guess You CAN Take It With You

TRAVELSUPPLIES.COM PROVIDES YOU WITH ALL THE ELECTRICAL, TELEPHONE, AND COMPUTER REQUIREMENTS YOU'LL NEED WHEN TRAVELING TO HELL. - Internet ad


Friday, Feb. 2: All Too Typical Mistaken Identity Problems

Mario Orsini, 73, faces assault charges for shooting and wounding his brother, Donato, 66, after mistaking him for a woodchuck, police said. - from a USA Today story


Saturday, Feb. 3: Lame Excuses

Q: Why didn't Dick Cheney vote in 14 out of 16 elections in Texas?
Cheney spokesman Dirk Vande Beek: He did it whenever he could.


Sunday, Feb. 4: Those All-Too-Frequent Once-In-A-Lifetime Moments

"You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times." - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor, after being chosen to start in an exhibition game (thanks to Rachael Gladys and Daniel Durschlag)


Monday, Feb. 5: Man, This Sounds Tasty!

"Legs of squid stewed in one's own dark juices" - menu item from a restaurant in Alicante, Spain


Tuesday, Feb. 6: Bad Editor's Advice

"You'll never make any money out of children's books, Jo. Keep your real job." - Bloomsbury Books editor to Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, after purchasing Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (for $1910) in 1996


Wednesday, Feb. 7: Researchers... What Will They Think of Next?

AS WORLD FISH STOCKS DECLINE, RESEARCHERS TURN TO AN UNTAPPED RESOURCE: WOMEN
- headline in Future Harvest magazine


Thursday, Feb. 8: Not Quite Right Metaphors

"He's not the sandwich in the picnic." - sportswriter Tony Cascarino


Friday, Feb. 9: And If You Want a Ride on the Ferris Wheel, You Go to the Butcher Shop

Game show host Peter Marshall: What do you like if you're a carnival?
Woman: Um, I go to carnivals.


Saturday, Feb. 10: Okay, We Won't Anymore

Warning on a bottle of hair coloring: DO NOT USE AS AN ICE CREAM TOPPING.


Sunday, Feb. 11: Thanks For The Info

WPLY-FM (Philadelphia) DJ: Where can I buy a big inflatable snowman for my yard?
Caller: You can pretty much find them wherever they sell them.
(thanks to Carol Slowey)


Monday, Feb. 12: Definitional Problems

Tech support staffer: Type http://...
Caller: It didn't work.
Tech support: Okay, read me the address you typed.
Caller: H-T-T-P-C-O-L-O-N...
Tech support: No, no. Colon. On the keyboard.
Caller: What?
Tech support: Do you know what a colon is?
Caller: Of course I do. I am a doctor.


Tuesday, Feb. 13: Statements Like This Are Fairly Uncommon, But Not That Rare

"Abductions like this are fairly rare, but not that uncommon." - Good Morning America host Charlie Gibson (thanks to Lin Malhi)


Wednesday, Feb. 14: Randy Ob-Gyns

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many ob-gyns aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." - President George W. Bush


Thursday, Feb. 15: Families With Huge Appetites

"I'm insulted [by the offer of $10 million per year]. I've got my family to feed." - NBA star Latrell Sprewell (thanks to Richard Oberholzer)


Friday, Feb. 16: Thanks For The Helpful Instructions

1. This meter taxi already anti-meter to time.
2. If the tariff flashing light should be standby.
- printed instructions inside Jakarta taxicabs


Saturday, Feb. 17: Kinda Missing The Point

"We forbid any course that says we restrict free speech!" - Dr. Kathleen Dixon, director of Womens' Studies at Bowling Green State University, Ohio, commenting on the resignation of Dr. Richard Zeller, who wanted to teach a course on how liberation has led to political correctness


Sunday, Feb. 18: Er, Kim...

People magazine: The cell phone plays a role in your latest film. Do you have one with a camera?
Actress Kim Basinger: I hate that thing with the camera because we have been so disturbed by them. Sometimes, like at a Broadway play, people will start taking your picture. I am a mom, so I have a cell phone. It's that simple.
People: Besides the phone, what do you carry with you?
Basinger: A camera.
(thanks to Michael Thomas Perone)


Monday, Feb. 19: Sister, Daughter, Sister, Daughter...

"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor... the president... governor... president. Oops. Ex-governor." - President George W. Bush


Tuesday, Feb. 20: Um... Sure...

"Can you be sure that whatever is being done is being done?" - KFI radio host Bill Handel to Oliver North (thanks to Lin Malhi)


Wednesday, Feb. 21: Not-Too-Polite Choirs

"The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing Break Forth Into Joy." - in a church bulletin


Thursday, Feb. 22: Thanks For That Insight, Billy

"Its mediocrity was celebrated to an art form, but only in retrospect." - actor Billy Zane, on avant-garde cinema


Friday, Feb. 23: That's Usually How It Goes

"So the first thing that you heard was the one that you overheard with Mr. Jones stating that he didn't want any women in his department. And the second time when you were in this exact conversation would have been after the first time?" - recorded in court testimony


Saturday, Feb. 24: Businesses That Apparently Don't Respect Their Employees

NOW HIRING TWO FRENCH DIPS FOR TWO DOLLARS - sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington


Sunday, Feb. 25: Making Things Excessively Clear

"We've said it previously and we've said it before." - soccer coach Colin Hendry


Monday, Feb. 26: Straws... More Rewarding Than You Ever Dreamed!

FRESH

Let's try homeparty fashionably and have a joyful chat with nice fellow.

Fujinami's straw will produce you young party happily and exceedingly.

Flexible straws which we can bend freely are very convenient for us.
- slogans on the box of Fresh flexible straws, Japan


Tuesday, Feb. 27: Oval Office Insights

"Even the President is not omnipotent. Would that he were. He often says life would be a lot easier if it were a dictatorship." - White House budget director Joshua Bolton, on George W. Bush (He added that Bush is actually "glad it's a democracy.")


Wednesday, Feb. 28: Customers Who Need a Lot of Help

Customer service rep for a wireless communication company: Thank you for choosing Arch. How can I help you?
Customer: Hi... uh... yeah... I get my bill from you guys every month on like the 20th, and I normally pay it on like the 30th.
Rep: Uh-huh.
Customer: Well, I was just wondering... uh... when am I supposed to pay my bill this month? There are only 28 days in February.
- actual dialogue (thanks to Kim Hart)