Light bulb jokes!
I kept on dreaming of waking up / turning off my alarm / submitting this entry already with a "Green Welcome" icon on a tan-yellowish "Memegen" site. Yeah, I think I'm losing it... o_O
Lightbulb jokes
More lightbulb jokes
Google search on "light bulb jokes"
Here are a selection of those...
Disclaimer: I am not racist / sexist / against any of the people groups portrayed in these jokes. They're included in my book of cyberspace jokes, so I'll post them here out of a humorous spirit. (don't take it personally if you happen to be a member of one or more of these groups)
How many theoretical quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to renormalize the wave function.
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER, the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask me?
A rather longer version of the PMS gag runs:
One. ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because NO ONE ELSE even KNOWS where the spare light-bulbs are KEPT!! They would sit there in the the dark, straining their eyes and going BLIND for THREE DAYS before they FIGURED it OUT!!!
And even if by SOME MIRACLE they managed to FIND the dumb BULBS, TWO WEEKS LATER, the chair they dragged through from the dining room to STAND ON would STILL BE THERE, UNDER the LIGHT SOCKET!
And underneath it would be the WRAPPER the DAMN BULB came in! Because NO ONE EVER PICKS UP RUBBISH IN THIS HOUSE!
The house! THE HOUSE! DO NOT GET ME STARTED ABOUT THE HOUSE!!!! It would take an EARTH MOVER to pick up the PILES OF RUBBISH that are 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THIS HOUSE!!!!!
Chocolate, chocolate, I need chocolate, WHERE is my CHOCOLATE, I HAD a BAR of CHOCOLATE RIGHT IN THIS DRAWER, I will PERSONALLY rip out and EAT the LIVER of whoever took my chocolate... oh, here it is... DAMN, it's all MELTED at the CORNER and the WRAPPER is all ripped, I can't eat this, oh GOD I am going to be SICK NOW...
So anyway, I saw this cute little pair of shoes in Sears, they'd be just the thing for my new formal and they were only $24.95. What were we talking about?
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
How many truck drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
That hasn't been determined. One goes, the rest follow, and you're there forever, it seems.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw their clients.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance; one to object; one to demur; two to research precedents; one to dictate a letter; one to stipulate; five to turn in their time cards; one to depose; one to write interrogatories; two to settle; one to order a secretary to change the bulb; and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just-right-for-the-job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many service reps does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. Two from the hours of 8 AM till 4 PM. One from the hours of 2 PM to 11 PM. When's your appointment?
Q: How many Help Desk representatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: PC Repair has received your mail concerning your hardware problem and has assigned your request Service Order Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this case of trouble. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q. How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 10. One to hold the bulb, and 9 to toke until the world starts spinnninnnnggg.....
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY - How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish:
What's a light bulb?
(Note: No offense meant to anyone's faith.)
How many artists from the surrealist movement does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the yak, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
Q. How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They're still counting!
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. Got a problem with it?
How many hillbillies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old bulb was!
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it, and one to go get the manager.
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1,328:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling / grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling / grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Additional Forum Members:
12 to provide links to photos to their unique lightbulbs.
17 to ask where they got their unique lightbulbs.
29 to post ebay auctions for totally unique lightbulbs.
13 to say "Boy, some people will buy anything on eBay."
7 to complain about the links not working.
5 to post things that were posted earlier in the very long lightbulb thread.
2 to scream "READ THE WHOLE THREAD BEFORE YOU POST."
1 to post how this thread reminded of the time their cute, fluffy kitty did something with a lightbulb, drawing 22 posts of how cute that was, and their own cute, fluffy kitty / light bulb stories, and several others from posters who hate cute, fluffy kitties, who are then called @$$holes by the cute, fluffy kitty lovers.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
9. One holds the ladder, one goes up the ladder with a bulb, and the other seven drink 'til the room spins around the bulb.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
The exact answer cannot be determined as they don't actually "do" things like changing lightbulbs. However, several will issue press releases regarding the failure of the existing bulb, seek appropriations for light bulb factories in their respective legislative districts, Arlen Specter will call for a commission to be empaneled to study the facts surrounding the failure, eventually releasing the 'Lone Bulb Theory' report, Democrats will lobby for more bulbs for inner city housing projects, Republicans will lobby for increased Government Regulation of Light Bulb manufacture, Lyndon Larouche will claim that the bulb never even burned out, and that the whole thing is a conspiracy, while Al Gore will take credit for inventing the light bulb.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many Yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it needs a spectacular twist at the end.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, one to change the bulb and four to hold the lead guitarist out of the light.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
German Shepherd: I'll guard the light bulb while you decide. Back off!
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go ahead--make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.
Lab: ME!, ME! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Chow Chow: I'm with the Malamute. After I take my nap, that is!
Akita: I'm with the Chow and Malamute! What's for dinner?
Jack Russell Terrier or Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Give me another twenty jumps,... and it's mine, ALL mine!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there!
How many Jewish-American Princesses?
Two. One to call Daddy, and one to pour the Diet Coke.
How many surgeons?
Well, while we're at it, why don't we remove the entire socket? You're not using it, and it will only cause you trouble in the future.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to shove the chair out from under her.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does all that with his left hand.
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it, and one stand there saying, "oh, that's too high for HIM."
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But she looks better in the dark.
How many baritones does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're the ones who are usually getting screwed.
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to change it, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and one to complain loudly about light bulbs being electric.
How many punks does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - one to change the bulb and 4 to yell at him for selling out.
How many ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?
3 - One to change the bulb, and 3 to "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"
How many riot grrls does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - One to change the bulb, and 4 to write a zine about it.
How many goths does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'd rather light a candle and write bad poetry about the darkness.
How many indie kids does it take to change a light bulb?
I forget, but I have this joke on the limited edition blue vinyl, only 1500 copies made.
Directors?
Three. One to change it, one to take it out and put in a different way, and one to take it out and purposefully smash it.
Communists?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three, but only if you slice them very thin.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None -- if the bulb needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just let it burn out and then follow it around for 30 years or so.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle..
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
"We've formed a task force to study the problem and why light bulbs burn out.. and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."
How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
15: One to actually change the lightbulb, three to write the manifesto, five to hold a consciousness-raising session, and four to denounce the old bulb as a tool of the patriarchy. Oh, and two to sit around and bitch about how math and science education is stacked against girls.
How many Vietnam Vets?
YOU CAN'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
300
12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee.
5 to sit on the the Nominating and Personnel Committee which appoints the House Committtee.
8 to sit on the House Committtee which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee.
4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb.
Those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation.
After completion, it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in his day, the lit chalice was quite enough, thankyouverymuch!
How many Tech Support folk does it take to change a light bulb?
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, now exactly how dark is it? Well, there could be four or five things wrong.. have you tried the light switch?
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to hold the ladder, and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
How many Microsoft vice-presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight: one to work the bulb, and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problem.
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly-designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2 PM and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (TM) as the new industry standard.
How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it, and one to scratch his bum.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb, and four to share the experience.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
None of your fucking business. Get owta my way!
How many Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you men, change it? It's a perfectly good light bulb! We've had it for 100 years, and it's worked just fine.
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't need to. They glow in the dark.
How many African-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in sight circles.
How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred. One to screw it in, and 99 to hold the house hostage.
How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sixty-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another to screw it in..
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sixteen. One to change the bulb, and 15 to stand around saying: "Goodonya, mate."
How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. He'll only promise change.
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If you want to sit in the dark, that's your business.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and 1,000 to chant: "Fight Darkness!"
How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in, and six to design the T-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But why bother? The light socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry. We closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, but I could look it up for you.
How many supermarket cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a $5 bill.
How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, and one to kill the witness.
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Eighteen. You got a problem with that?
How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to screw it up.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But once they get tenure, they don't change any more.
How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team. And they all get a semester's credit for it.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes 30 visits.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb, and three to sing: "Ta da!"
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb; eight to stand around grumbling, "That should be ME up there!"
How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But you should have seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. When he's done, everyone thinks that his light bulb was much better.
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Why do we have to change it?
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. And you should have seen the light bulb! It must have been THIS big!
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb in and change the room. It's all relative.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in an Art Deco bulb, and two to shriek: "Fabulous!"
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to do it, and one to make a video documentary about it.
2. Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's all right, I'll sit in the dark."
How many REAL men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least three to sit and pray for the old one to come back on.
How many pro-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb, and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to force it with a hammer, and five to go out for more bulbs.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
How many investment bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"My God, it burnt out! Sell all my G.E. stock now!"
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to not screw in the bulb.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.
How many database people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many disarmament folk does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They won't, because:
1. If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?
2. We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over.
3. We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere.
4. We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will have on the future of mankind.
5. Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned how to husband it yet.
6. Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct.
7. The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity.
8. It is the responsibility of the federal government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race / age / creed / color / sex / religion / socio-economic status / national origin / need.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out towards a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter? We're all gonna die anyway.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. That's NOT funny!
2. Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it felt.
3. Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications.
4. Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
5. Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
6. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first one.
How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Oh wow.. is it like dark, man?"
Hoe many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in a socket and fill the room with light.. while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray gun, and the cocker spaniel.
How many netheads does it take to tell yet another light bulb joke?
One thousand, six hundred, and twenty-two. One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
How many Reaganists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "the lawyers" and the party of the second part, also known as "the light bulb" do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("receptacle"), the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("new light bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part ("new light bulb") becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
Note: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
How many Chicago school economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None:
1. If the light bulb needed changing, the market would already have done it.
2. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change itself.
3. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
4. There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
5. They're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
6. Because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
Or: Just one, but it really gets screwed.
Or: A thousand: ten theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb, and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory's the correct one.. while everyone is still in the dark.
How many MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
"Only one if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb myself. As you can see from my resumé, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time."
How many doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Should have an answer for you in about five years."
How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He stands, holding the lightbulb still, and the world revolves around him.
How many weightlifters does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, and four to stand around saying, "You're lookin' HUGE, man!"
How many straight men in San Francisco does it take to change a light bulb?
All two of 'em.
How many engineers / production personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
33. One to do the assembly drawings. Two to check the assembly drawings. Four to do the detail drawings. Six to check the detail drawings. Two to archive the assembly and detail drawings. Three to print eight copies of the assembly and detail drawings. Three Time-Study engineers to study how long it will take each production employee to finish each job (1. Determine that the bulb actually needs changed. 2. Get the new bulb from finished stock. 3. Deliver the bulb to the specific location. 5. Schedule a maintenence crew to change the bulb. (One to change it, one to hold the ladder, one to secure the area so noone runs into the ladder, one to turn off the electricity first, one to verify that the electricity HAS been turned off and a maintenence foreman to oversee all of them) 6. An inspector to verify that the bulb a)has been changed and b)is once again in working order. 7. A secretarial / documentationial person to document the whole process.
How many Dobermans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.
How many University Of Florida students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to stand in each corner and drink until the room spins.
How many USC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb, three to break the story about the bulb being changed, five to investigate a government cover up of the changing of the bulb, seventy five to organize a group to investigate the impact that bulb changing has on the light bulb condition, three hundred to organize a protest of unfair and violent light bulb changing policies domestically and abroad, three hundred to organize a counterprotest for the bulb's right to choose, and five hundred to hold a symposium on community views on the current light bulb changing situation.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the women do it.
How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the giraffe and three to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.
Lightbulb jokes
More lightbulb jokes
Google search on "light bulb jokes"
Here are a selection of those...
Disclaimer: I am not racist / sexist / against any of the people groups portrayed in these jokes. They're included in my book of cyberspace jokes, so I'll post them here out of a humorous spirit. (don't take it personally if you happen to be a member of one or more of these groups)
How many theoretical quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. One to screw in the bulb, one to hold the ladder, and one to renormalize the wave function.
Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER, the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry... what did you ask me?
A rather longer version of the PMS gag runs:
One. ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because NO ONE ELSE even KNOWS where the spare light-bulbs are KEPT!! They would sit there in the the dark, straining their eyes and going BLIND for THREE DAYS before they FIGURED it OUT!!!
And even if by SOME MIRACLE they managed to FIND the dumb BULBS, TWO WEEKS LATER, the chair they dragged through from the dining room to STAND ON would STILL BE THERE, UNDER the LIGHT SOCKET!
And underneath it would be the WRAPPER the DAMN BULB came in! Because NO ONE EVER PICKS UP RUBBISH IN THIS HOUSE!
The house! THE HOUSE! DO NOT GET ME STARTED ABOUT THE HOUSE!!!! It would take an EARTH MOVER to pick up the PILES OF RUBBISH that are 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THIS HOUSE!!!!!
Chocolate, chocolate, I need chocolate, WHERE is my CHOCOLATE, I HAD a BAR of CHOCOLATE RIGHT IN THIS DRAWER, I will PERSONALLY rip out and EAT the LIVER of whoever took my chocolate... oh, here it is... DAMN, it's all MELTED at the CORNER and the WRAPPER is all ripped, I can't eat this, oh GOD I am going to be SICK NOW...
So anyway, I saw this cute little pair of shoes in Sears, they'd be just the thing for my new formal and they were only $24.95. What were we talking about?
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
How many truck drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
That hasn't been determined. One goes, the rest follow, and you're there forever, it seems.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw their clients.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance; one to object; one to demur; two to research precedents; one to dictate a letter; one to stipulate; five to turn in their time cards; one to depose; one to write interrogatories; two to settle; one to order a secretary to change the bulb; and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
Q: How many believable, competent, "just-right-for-the-job" presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many service reps does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends. Two from the hours of 8 AM till 4 PM. One from the hours of 2 PM to 11 PM. When's your appointment?
Q: How many Help Desk representatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: PC Repair has received your mail concerning your hardware problem and has assigned your request Service Order Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this case of trouble. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q. How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 10. One to hold the bulb, and 9 to toke until the world starts spinnninnnnggg.....
CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY - How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only 1
Hands are already in the air.
Pentecostal: 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None
Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians:
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.
Nazarene: 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish:
What's a light bulb?
(Note: No offense meant to anyone's faith.)
How many artists from the surrealist movement does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to hold the yak, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.
Q. How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
How many Floridians does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They're still counting!
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. Got a problem with it?
How many hillbillies does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old bulb was!
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to stand around bitching about it, and one to go get the manager.
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?
1,328:
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling / grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling / grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
Additional Forum Members:
12 to provide links to photos to their unique lightbulbs.
17 to ask where they got their unique lightbulbs.
29 to post ebay auctions for totally unique lightbulbs.
13 to say "Boy, some people will buy anything on eBay."
7 to complain about the links not working.
5 to post things that were posted earlier in the very long lightbulb thread.
2 to scream "READ THE WHOLE THREAD BEFORE YOU POST."
1 to post how this thread reminded of the time their cute, fluffy kitty did something with a lightbulb, drawing 22 posts of how cute that was, and their own cute, fluffy kitty / light bulb stories, and several others from posters who hate cute, fluffy kitties, who are then called @$$holes by the cute, fluffy kitty lovers.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
9. One holds the ladder, one goes up the ladder with a bulb, and the other seven drink 'til the room spins around the bulb.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
The exact answer cannot be determined as they don't actually "do" things like changing lightbulbs. However, several will issue press releases regarding the failure of the existing bulb, seek appropriations for light bulb factories in their respective legislative districts, Arlen Specter will call for a commission to be empaneled to study the facts surrounding the failure, eventually releasing the 'Lone Bulb Theory' report, Democrats will lobby for more bulbs for inner city housing projects, Republicans will lobby for increased Government Regulation of Light Bulb manufacture, Lyndon Larouche will claim that the bulb never even burned out, and that the whole thing is a conspiracy, while Al Gore will take credit for inventing the light bulb.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many Yuppies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it needs a spectacular twist at the end.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
One little tablet, and it's a whole new bulb.
How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, one to change the bulb and four to hold the lead guitarist out of the light.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
German Shepherd: I'll guard the light bulb while you decide. Back off!
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go ahead--make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants.
Lab: ME!, ME! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Chow Chow: I'm with the Malamute. After I take my nap, that is!
Akita: I'm with the Chow and Malamute! What's for dinner?
Jack Russell Terrier or Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Give me another twenty jumps,... and it's mine, ALL mine!
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there!
How many Jewish-American Princesses?
Two. One to call Daddy, and one to pour the Diet Coke.
How many surgeons?
Well, while we're at it, why don't we remove the entire socket? You're not using it, and it will only cause you trouble in the future.
How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to shove the chair out from under her.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does all that with his left hand.
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it, and one stand there saying, "oh, that's too high for HIM."
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But she looks better in the dark.
How many baritones does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They're the ones who are usually getting screwed.
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to change it, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and one to complain loudly about light bulbs being electric.
How many punks does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - one to change the bulb and 4 to yell at him for selling out.
How many ska kids does it take to change a light bulb?
3 - One to change the bulb, and 3 to "pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"
How many riot grrls does it take to change a light bulb?
5 - One to change the bulb, and 4 to write a zine about it.
How many goths does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'd rather light a candle and write bad poetry about the darkness.
How many indie kids does it take to change a light bulb?
I forget, but I have this joke on the limited edition blue vinyl, only 1500 copies made.
Directors?
Three. One to change it, one to take it out and put in a different way, and one to take it out and purposefully smash it.
Communists?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three, but only if you slice them very thin.
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None -- if the bulb needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just let it burn out and then follow it around for 30 years or so.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle..
How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
"We've formed a task force to study the problem and why light bulbs burn out.. and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."
How many radical feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
15: One to actually change the lightbulb, three to write the manifesto, five to hold a consciousness-raising session, and four to denounce the old bulb as a tool of the patriarchy. Oh, and two to sit around and bitch about how math and science education is stacked against girls.
How many Vietnam Vets?
YOU CAN'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
300
12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee.
5 to sit on the the Nominating and Personnel Committee which appoints the House Committtee.
8 to sit on the House Committtee which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee.
4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb.
Those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation.
After completion, it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation, another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all, and at least one to insist that back in his day, the lit chalice was quite enough, thankyouverymuch!
How many Tech Support folk does it take to change a light bulb?
We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay, now exactly how dark is it? Well, there could be four or five things wrong.. have you tried the light switch?
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to hold the ladder, and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
How many Microsoft vice-presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight: one to work the bulb, and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problem.
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb works fine on the system in my office.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
You're still thinking procedurally. A properly-designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
How many shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2 PM and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (TM) as the new industry standard.
How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to do it, and one to scratch his bum.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb, and four to share the experience.
How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
None of your fucking business. Get owta my way!
How many Englishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you men, change it? It's a perfectly good light bulb! We've had it for 100 years, and it's worked just fine.
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't need to. They glow in the dark.
How many African-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in sight circles.
How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred. One to screw it in, and 99 to hold the house hostage.
How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sixty-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another to screw it in..
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sixteen. One to change the bulb, and 15 to stand around saying: "Goodonya, mate."
How many dead politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
As many as possible.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. He'll only promise change.
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If you want to sit in the dark, that's your business.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.
How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and 1,000 to chant: "Fight Darkness!"
How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to screw it in, and six to design the T-shirts.
How many Apple programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But why bother? The light socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb.
How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a light bulb?
Sorry. We closed 18 seconds ago, and I've just cashed up.
How many librarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, but I could look it up for you.
How many supermarket cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a $5 bill.
How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, and one to kill the witness.
How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Eighteen. You got a problem with that?
How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to screw it up.
How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
How many university professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But once they get tenure, they don't change any more.
How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team. And they all get a semester's credit for it.
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But the light bulb has to really WANT to change.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes 30 visits.
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.
How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb, and three to sing: "Ta da!"
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine. One to climb the ladder and replace the bulb; eight to stand around grumbling, "That should be ME up there!"
How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But you should have seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.
How many movie directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. When he's done, everyone thinks that his light bulb was much better.
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Why do we have to change it?
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another to give it a surprise twist at the end.
How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. And you should have seen the light bulb! It must have been THIS big!
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb in and change the room. It's all relative.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in an Art Deco bulb, and two to shriek: "Fabulous!"
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Two. One to do it, and one to make a video documentary about it.
2. Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Why bother? It's just going to burn out anyway.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
"That's all right, I'll sit in the dark."
How many REAL men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they're really only one.
How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least three to sit and pray for the old one to come back on.
How many pro-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb, and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
At least three.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to force it with a hammer, and five to go out for more bulbs.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
How many investment bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"My God, it burnt out! Sell all my G.E. stock now!"
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to not screw in the bulb.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.
How many database people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many disarmament folk does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They won't, because:
1. If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?
2. We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over.
3. We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere.
4. We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will have on the future of mankind.
5. Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned how to husband it yet.
6. Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct.
7. The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity.
8. It is the responsibility of the federal government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race / age / creed / color / sex / religion / socio-economic status / national origin / need.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out towards a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter? We're all gonna die anyway.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1. That's NOT funny!
2. Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it felt.
3. Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications.
4. Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
5. Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
6. Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first one.
How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Oh wow.. is it like dark, man?"
Hoe many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in a socket and fill the room with light.. while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against the wall, the fellow with the spray gun, and the cocker spaniel.
How many netheads does it take to tell yet another light bulb joke?
One thousand, six hundred, and twenty-two. One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
How many Reaganists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "the lawyers" and the party of the second part, also known as "the light bulb" do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed-upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("receptacle"), the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("new light bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this selfsame document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part ("new light bulb") becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).
Note: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm."
How many Chicago school economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None:
1. If the light bulb needed changing, the market would already have done it.
2. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change itself.
3. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
4. There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place.
5. They're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.
6. Because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
Or: Just one, but it really gets screwed.
Or: A thousand: ten theoretical economists with different theories on how to change the light bulb, and 990 empirical economists laboring to determine which theory's the correct one.. while everyone is still in the dark.
How many MBAs does it take to change a light bulb?
"Only one if you hire me. I can actually change the light bulb myself. As you can see from my resumé, I've had extensive experience changing light bulbs in my previous positions. My only weakness is that I'm compulsive about changing light bulbs in my spare time."
How many doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?
"Should have an answer for you in about five years."
How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. He stands, holding the lightbulb still, and the world revolves around him.
How many weightlifters does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the bulb, and four to stand around saying, "You're lookin' HUGE, man!"
How many straight men in San Francisco does it take to change a light bulb?
All two of 'em.
How many engineers / production personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
33. One to do the assembly drawings. Two to check the assembly drawings. Four to do the detail drawings. Six to check the detail drawings. Two to archive the assembly and detail drawings. Three to print eight copies of the assembly and detail drawings. Three Time-Study engineers to study how long it will take each production employee to finish each job (1. Determine that the bulb actually needs changed. 2. Get the new bulb from finished stock. 3. Deliver the bulb to the specific location. 5. Schedule a maintenence crew to change the bulb. (One to change it, one to hold the ladder, one to secure the area so noone runs into the ladder, one to turn off the electricity first, one to verify that the electricity HAS been turned off and a maintenence foreman to oversee all of them) 6. An inspector to verify that the bulb a)has been changed and b)is once again in working order. 7. A secretarial / documentationial person to document the whole process.
How many Dobermans does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.
How many University Of Florida students does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and four to stand in each corner and drink until the room spins.
How many USC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb, three to break the story about the bulb being changed, five to investigate a government cover up of the changing of the bulb, seventy five to organize a group to investigate the impact that bulb changing has on the light bulb condition, three hundred to organize a protest of unfair and violent light bulb changing policies domestically and abroad, three hundred to organize a counterprotest for the bulb's right to choose, and five hundred to hold a symposium on community views on the current light bulb changing situation.
How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the women do it.
How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
One to hold the giraffe and three to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.
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