Chastity, Chinchilla Zest, Cleopatra, and Crisco

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

C

Cachay: Popular '70s eau de toilette packaged in a convenient purse pot.

Capucino: An exceptionally smart breed of monkey most often seen chained to the side of concertina begging for spare change.

Caroline: A door-to-door singer often seen during the holiday season.

Cashmere: A prize ho; very soft, but difficult to keep clean.

Cassidy: A single-parent family of '70s pop idols with great hair, artificially enhanced voices, and a cool bus. Also half of a great Western.

Chalmers: Superintendent of the Springfield School District. Will tend to be verbally abusive to her underlings.

Chanel: Along with Courvosier, Gucci, and Lexus... a popular name among (and only among!) the ghetto fabulous.

Chardonnay: Her bouquet hints of green pastures, with top notes of butter, chrysanthemums, and honey, with a palate of oak on the finish. Generally best served cold.

Charissa: A spicy Spanish sausage with meat of unknown origin.

Chastity: Virtuous character. Celibacy. A poor girl with this name will be destined to become the town tramp.

Cherel: A type of rare mushroom used in fine patés.

Cherish: It's like a sofa, but it's not. It's like a loveseat, but it's not. It's more valued, more chair-ish!

Cherry: Peewee's favorite place to sit. The fruit of a deflowering.

Cheyenne: A city in Wyoming, a nomadic Native American tribe, and a luxury sport utility vehicle.

Chinchilla Zest: The outermost layer of the chinchilla, extracted with a special culinary tool, the chinchilla zester. Beware the layer just below the dermis, which can be pithy. Also, a fine but tart salad dressing.

Chloe: A name commonly used by lesbian couples for a firstborn.

Christina: The one who can sing.

Cimemthymia: A vicious STD cured in the early '70s.

Cinnamon: The dried bark of a tropical Asian tree. A popular stage name for exotic dancers. See also Velvet and Butterfly.

Cisco: Will have a penchant for routers and singing about Brazilian-cut underpants.

Cleeo: Jamaican "psychic" whose infomercials bilked millions of desperate Americans out of large amounts of cash in a mass redistribution of wealth. Child may be an entrepreneur.

Cleopatra: Titular queen of Egypt and lover of Roman generals. Coined the phrase "what a pain in the asp!"

Cleora: A topical ointment used to eradicate acne.

Coco: Most common name for female chimpanzees, nuts, and fashion designers. Your daughter will have hairy prehensile toes, a rich flavor, and a flair for accessories.

Cola: A brown, sugar-filled liquid of such high acidity that it dissolves pennies. Also, a cocaine dealer.

Constance: Faithful and dependable; a child with this name will never need to rely on laxatives or fiber supplements.

Corvette: A type of warship, a type of American sports car, and a type of male genitalia extension.

Crescent: A cheap, canned knockoff of a famous French pastry.

Crisco: Simply put, she'll be fat in the can.

Crumpet: A spongy, English muffin-type pastry best served with tea and jam. A thrilling way to start your day!

Czarina: Wife of a czar or an imperial ruler in her own right. Will spend exorbitant sums of money on eggs.