Aerie, Agnes, Alchemy, and Aquavette

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

A

Aaronica: Veronica's more masculine twin sister. Child may attend numerous rallies for numerous causes.

Aaronita: One who has undergone an effective, albeit unnecessary "gender reassignment" surgery.

Aasta: An Italian noodle dish, usually served as the first course of a meal. Also, an unpopular, fruity diet soda blended in the early '70s.

Abcde (AB-cuh-dee) - A much-shorted form of Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz. (AB-cuh-def-ghi-jekle-mnop-krstuv-wrexes) Popular front-woman for a children's group headlined by a large, yellow bird with imaginary friends. Exceptions to the rule: if siblings are Fghij, Klmno, Pqrst, Uvwxy, and (of course) Zee.

Abigail: The smartass who won't stop telling the other kids what to do.

Acenzion (aah-SEN-see-yawn) - Celebration of Christ's uplifting into heaven. Exception to this rule: if child was born on the fortieth day after Easter.

Acharius (uh-KARE-ee-us) - The fiscal year's first astrological sign. Also, a vehicle used for racing, usually as a preface to Christians being eaten by lions. [chariots]

Adelaise: A thick yellow French sauce often served with beef. Also, feminine form of the popular yet boring presidential candidate Adlai Ewing Stevenson. Child, as political namesake, will be doomed to multiple failures in races of all sorts.

Adie (AD-ee) - A dilemma common with readers of women's periodicals, the condition of too much advertising space in relation to editorial space. "I can't even read this month's Cosmo - it's just too Adie!"

Adrama: A popular daytime television format known for its poor acting and incredible plot lines. Often referred to as "my soap" or "my story."

Ae Jae (aah-JHAY) - The delicious, beef-based broth that generally accompanies a French Dip sandwich.

Aelyn: Not feeling well, frequently sick.

Aerie: Light, fluffy, void of substance, Twinkie-ish. Not only will she have a unique name, but her classmates can use it to describe the contents of her skull. "Wow, it sure is Aerie between your ears."

Affinity: A natural attraction, liking, or feeling of kinship. Child may be inexplicably drawn to a life of fetishism.

Africa: The second-largest continent of the planet Earth. A child with this name (though beautiful) will be war-torn, impoverished, and prone to natural disaster. She may also grow tired of men's attempts to "return to the cradle of humanity."

Agatha: One with an affinity for crime dramas and murder mysteries. Generally, child's term papers will follow a very similar format with recurring historical characters, and slightly varied locations.

Agnes: Old and wrinkly one. Along with Zelpha and Vera, a name that should not have been used after the nineteenth century.

Ahnu: Sound made when one sneezes. Child may develop a religious complex as a result of frequent "bless yous" or "gesundheits" given in response to her introduction.

Aimee: One who is aimed at, as with a slingshot or high-powered rifle. "Was she doing the aiming?" "No, she was the Aimee."

Aingee (AIN-jee) - An itchy skin condition causing patches of hair loss.

Airlea (air-LEE-uh) - Ethereal, heavenly, out of this world. National airline of a small European country boasting the greatest linseed oil reserves in the world.

Alabama: A state whose name is derived from the Choctaw words meaning "plant picker," and is best known as the birthplace of the Confederate Constitution. Primary crops include cotton, peanuts, and boll weevils.

Alabaster: Pasty-white daughter who will most likely burst into flames when exposed, unprotected, to the light of the sun.

Alafair: A country gathering held in the state of Alabama featuring vegetable growing contests, pie-eating contests, and if you're lucky, the world's largest pig. See also Alabama.

Alaska: The "Last Frontier" was purchased from Russia in 1867 for far too much money, and the USA still hasn't found a good use for this moose-and-polar-bear-infested wasteland. Nice work, Secretary of State William H. Seward.

Albreda: A brood mare.

Alchemy: The miraculous power of transmuting something common into something precious. Most likely to become a black widow grifter, marrying and murdering men of means.

Aleece: A chain or strap of material on the end of which one fastens a dog.

Aleena: A type of iron ore. Also a line of frozen low-calorie desserts.

Aleris: A midsized sedan imported from Korea and given a whimsical name in a failed attempt to appeal to American car buyers.

Alexis: Bitchy ex-wife of Colorado oil millionaire who frequently mud wrestles with Linda Evans in a pond. Also, a luxury sedan known for its high price but smooth ride. Exception to the rule: if you live in Times Square and want your daugher to stay close... especially on the streets.

Aloha: A traditional Hawaiian greeting or farewell. Child may never know if she's coming or going.

Alondra: The college dorm next to Faisan and Naranja.

Alorra: A small European nation nestled in the Pyrenees, whose main source of revenue is the printing of postage stamps.

Alreta: A convenient, soy-based pocket sandwich introduced during the Atkins craze.

Alta: A ski resort in the Wasatch mountain range of Utah known for its unpleasant attitude toward snowboarders.

Althea: Vanessa Huxtable's troubled friend and confidante, who dared to smoke in the house of famed comedian turned ob-gyn William Cosby.

Alva: The beer-thirsty pronunciation for the beginning of the statement "I would like another."

Amber: A yellowish-brown stone made from the fossilized sap of trees. Strange prehistoric insects can often be found entombed within Amber, then later made into jewelry.

Ambrosia: The food of the gods in ancient Greek and Roman mythology. Also, a delicious summertime dessert made from citrus slices and freshly-shaved coconut. The jokes referring to "eating Ambrosia" should be enough to deter any responsible mother and father from this name.

America: Land of the free. Home of the brave. Not a good name for a female child if she ever plans on backpacking across Europe. Also, if she's short, kids will call her South America. If she's tall, North America. Central America will become the destination of choice for the boys.

Amity: An international, multilevel marketing organization that promotes peaceful relations and friendship. This name has also been forever tainted by a 1979 horror film starring James Brolin.

Amnesty: Let's just hope your child never develops plans for international travel. She will most likely dedicate her life to the protection of human rights worldwide.

Amulet: A female child with this name will date only members of the local Dungeons and Dragons circle. If she's lucky and skilled enough to slay the Beholder, she may even rise to the level of Dungeon Master! Or so they say.

Anaya: An exceptionally attractive country music drag performer with a signature twang in his / her voice.

Andromeda: Ethiopian princess saved from a sea monster by Perseus. While she'll most likely be at the Star Trek convention, this name (referring to the major galaxy closest to our own) will ensure lifelong geek status.

Anelle: A small, pointed metal spike used in construction to hold materials together. "I hammered Anelle through that board to hold up the wall."

Angelica: Like many names destined to become ironic, this one will blow up in your face. Any adolescent female is bound to revolt against the unbelievably high behavioral expectations associated with this moniker. She will most likely amount to nothing more than an unwed crack mother turning tricks to pay the rent on her double-wide.

Angelina: Full-lipped, well-bodied action heroine who is often the stuff of young men's fantasies.

Anna (ANN-uh or AH-nuh) - If the first pronunciation, the nice girl next door. If the second pronunciation, the bitchy girl who lives in the vegan co-op and wears long floaty skirts with thick socks and sandals.

Anndee: The unattractive, red-haired life partner of Raggedy Ann. All this time you thought the short-cropped hair and overalls meant she was a boy?

Annekette (AN-uh-ket) - The art of behaving badly. Antonym: etiquette.

Apathy: A generalized sense of carelessness or malaise. Clear a spot on your couch, because that's where this good-for-nothing freeloader is going to spend the next thirty to forty years listening to speed metal and playing with her piercings. Her lack of interest and passion for anything other than rotting her teeth and widening her posterior will serve you right.

Aphrodite: Greek goddess of love and beauty similar to the Roman Venus. She'll marry a furnace repairman, but will always love a military man.

Apple: Shiny, red cherub of a fruit born into a family of performers. Destined for mockery, greatness, or frequent worm infestation.

Aprella: Month that follows Amarcha and precedes Amaya.

Aqua: A light greenish-blue color that looks nice on eyelids.

Aquanetta: A '40s B-movie actress whose film credits include Captive Wild Woman, Jungle Woman, and Tarzan and the Leopard Woman. Also, a hairspray for those ladies who need "serious hold."

Aquavette: A water sport diva.

Arabia: A peninsula between the Red Sea and the Persian Gulf. Home to vast oil fields and the world's largest dairy farm.

Ariana: A pale girl with a Confederate flag for a bedspread.

Arizoni: Along with Californi and Nevadi, states that Appalachian hillbillies aspire to pack up their trucks and move to.

Ashley: The pretty Judd.

Asia: The world's largest continent. Also, the culinary elements responsible for the flavor in fusion foods.

Aspire: To have great ambition; to soar. A burning funeral platform reserved for jerks. Just stay away from the "ass" names. Please.

Astrolena: The mascot for a Texas baseball team resembling a bloated, green-and-purple Muppet. Also, a woman with a 900 number who charges $24.99 per minute to predict the future.

Atlanta: Notoriously hard-to-get princess in Greek mythology. The largest city in Georgia. Where the players play. Often referred to as "Hotlanta" for its humid climate and high percentage of "booty shakers."

Aubren: A warm brown hair tone coveted by medium-smart blondes.

Aura: A cosmic force that surrounds people and things with psychedelic colors.

Aurora: Strange lights in the sky visible in the Northern Hemisphere. Considered the flatulence of the gods by early peoples.

Australia: Either the world's largest island or its smallest continent. Originally settled as a penal colony, it is largely populated by kangaroos, sheep, and the children of criminals.

Austria: Once the seat of power for the Austro-Hungarian Empire, Austria received a nasty spanking during World War I, and was brought along for an even nastier spanking during World War II by big brother Germany. Austria now mostly sticks to making clocks, chocolate, and California governors.

Autumn: Somewhere between frigid and hot.

Avani: A popular brand of bottled water from the artesian springs of Tijuana.

Avis: A child with this name will show a strange interest in renting automobiles. She will most likely start by renting skates to other schoolchildren with her friends Hertz, Budget, and National.

Aynslie: A really classy name smacking of McMansions and child beauty pageants.