"I'd marry my mother if it weren't for the age difference!" / BBQ King

This thing just restarted, AGAIN! UGH!

Got this amusing "dialogue" when trying to access a Blogthings page on LJ which is no longer there:

Narrator: In A.D. 2006, Web was beginning.

Captain: What happen?

Mechanic: Somebody set up us the journal.

Operator: We get signal.

Captain: What!

Operator: Main browser turn on.

Captain: It's you!!

CATS: How are you users!!

CATS: All your base are belong to Frank.

CATS: You are on the way to 404.

Captain: What you say!!

CATS: You have no chance to reach your page. Make your spelling correct.

CATS: Ha Ha Ha Ha....

You Are the Communicator

You are a collector and facilitator of knowledge. You love storytelling and teaching. You light up when you're around other people, and you especially light up in front of a crowd. You are a charismatic person who's genuinely a joy to be with. You remind others to have fun. You love life, and you're wake up grateful for every new day. This attitude makes the people around you love life as well.

What's Your Life's Mission?

I saw the Chinese version a few days ago, and asked Quan if there was an English version. Didn't get an answer, so I've been obsessively going to my tagged friends' photos on Facebook... I hit pay dirt with Tina!

Chinese version:


English version:



These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

The Art of Conversation

"This is what he told me on our date: His eyes bother him and he has arthritis. His teeth are a pain. He has bursitis and a bad knee, and he had open-heart surgery a year ago. He also can't hear. He told me all this several times; apparently, he also can't remember." - Betty, age 62.

"Ned told me that he was shy, and kept referring to a list he'd made of topics to talk about and jokes to tell." - Iris, age 20.

"Everything that happened, he put up his hand and said "Slap me five." We get a parking space: Slap me five. We get seated at the restaurant without waiting: Slap me five. I like the egg roll: Slap me five. By the end of the evening, I wanted to slap him silly." - Skylar, age 22.

"I know that Louise is older than I am, and I'm not sure how she feels about it. So I told her that I'm five years older than I really am. She probably told me that she's ten years younger." - Seth, age 23.

"He interrupted me every time I opened my mouth. Assumed he knew the end of my sentences. Gradually, I stopped talking. No matter, he conducted both parts of the conversation." - Jill, age 43.

"Over dinner, getting acquainted, he told me that his best friend had just committed suicide. Then he mentioned that his girlfriend had just left him, and by the way, she was pregnant with his baby. Before I knew it, he was crying, tears streaming down his cheeks. He said he was afraid of getting cancer. He didn't think he'd live a long life. He soaked his napkin and blew his nose into the tablecloth. Then he wiped his eyes and asked me if I'd like to go out again on Sunday." - Mary, age 28.

"Toward the end of the evening, I'm thinking that this guy's really kind of sexy, that he has a really nice set of lips. That I'd really like to kiss them. I'm leaning his way, staring up into his eyes, and he meets my eyes and talks about how much money his new computer system is saving him. Oh well." - Sandie, age 25.

"Sherrie talked constantly - while riding, while watching the movie, while chewing her pizza. I finally got her to shut up by kissing her, but she waited until we took a breather, and picked up her monologue exactly where she left off. At the very WORD." - Scott, age 25.

"Apparently, Alice thought that a date was an occasion to discuss the details of her failed marriage. And much cheaper than a shrink." - Bruce, age 44.

"Sonia took me to a family dinner. Her aunt kept pushing food at me, and she fumed until I ate it. I thought she was going to spoon it into my mouth. Everyone spoke Hungarian. They'd look at me and nod and talk, laugh out loud. Howl with laughter. I sort of smiled. I had no idea the whole night what was going on." - Jason, age 30.

"All night, he talked about his mother. How perfect she is. How her arthritis bothers her, but she never complains. How she's the most intelligent woman he's ever met: a perfect lady, a wonderful hostess, mother, cook, homemaker. Beautiful. Poised. Witty. He said, age aside, that if she weren't his mother, he'd want to marry her. Then he excused himself at nine o'clock so he could call her to say goodnight." - Ebony, age 29.

"At the end of the evening, Yvonne knew nothing about me. And actually, I knew nothing about her. But I knew more than I'd ever want to about her flawless former boyfriend, Edmond, against whom no man can compare." - Bert, age 38.

"He told me that he had been a women's studies major at the same university I'd gone to. On our second date, I learned that he never graduated. But he hadn't exactly LIED; in actual fact, he'd hung around campus, studying women." - Paula, age 22.

"Brad told me that I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He ogled me. Whatever I said, he agreed. Whatever I liked, he liked. Whatever opinions I had, he shared. He was like a parrot. "Ice skating? I love it, too. Anchovies? Nothing better." Finally, I began to tell him that I liked things I actually can't stand. Professional wrestling. Bluefish. Line dancing. He said he liked all that, too. I'd had it. I told him that he was a fool. He nodded, held my hand, and asked if I believed in love at first sight." - Sarah, age 31.

"Frank kept calling me Charlene. He said I looked like a Charlene. I bet Charlene and I don't look alike; probably the only thing we have in common is that we're both unfortunate enough to have gone out with Frank." - Liz, age 32.

" "Lois, huh?" He kept saying that. "Lois, huh? I've never been out with a Lois before." Like what? Each name is a different breed?" - Lois, age 30.

"Liz complimented me about everything. She told me that I dress great, and I've got great taste. She said I'm intelligent, fascinating, and clever. Also, thoughtful and generous, and I have penetrating eyes and strong features. According to her, I'm pretty fantastic. I can't wait to take her out again. She's incredibly perceptive." - Paul, age 33.

"Jesse bragged that I was the first woman of his race or religion that he'd been out with since high school. Like I should be honored." - Gabriella, age 23.

"I asked him not to smoke. "Why?" he said. "Is it a crime?" I said that smoke bothered me. He said: "Oh, you're not one of those picky, high-maintenance broads, are you?" That ended the conversation. Not to mention the evening." - Ilana, age 26.

"He found out my age, looked me over, and said: "You don't look so bad for thirty." He thought that was a compliment." - Margo, age 32.

"She came dressed all in tie-dye. A hippie. Rings on every finger. Like that. She said she admired my aura. That it was rare to see a man with a sky blue-pink aura. She just HAD to experience me. To mingle our auras would add to the harmony of the planet. I thought she was nuts, but I didn't argue with her, no sir. Mingling auras sounded like it might just be fun." - Digger, age 41.

"He sat across the table, looked into my eyes, and compared me to his old girlfriend. My eyes were almost as blue, my hair not quite as full. My lips a bit fuller. But all in all, I was attractive in my own way despite the differences. Still, she knew him much better... better than anyone had ever known him, and she had this mysterious charismatic quality that I lacked." - Dodie, age 29.

"Leonard couldn't stop talking. He talked the whole night. I didn't get a word in. When he pulled up to my building to drop me off, he kept on talking. I couldn't break in to thank him or say goodnight, so I just opened the door to get out. He kept talking. I put my foot out onto the curb; he kept talking. I got out, closed the door; he opened his window and leaned his head out, still talking. I heard his voice trailing after me until I closed the front door." - Vanessa, age 31.