People who are fixated with blue, black, and order!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

First Impressions

"He sat on my couch bouncing his knee so hard I thought he'd take off. The floor was shaking. The vase was rattling on the coffee table; balls were dropping off the pussy willows. At the movie, he had the whole row of seats bouncing. When I got home, I couldn't stop vibrating." - Rita, age 29.

"He couldn't keep his hands out of his pants pockets. I kept thinking, What's he doing? Then I thought, I really don't want to know." - Michelle, age 28.

"We went to her apartment. Everything was blue. Walls, carpet, counters, towels, plates, bedding, curtains, furniture. The artwork had blue tones. She had a sculpture, some kind of blue glass. I went to the bathroom. Her toothbrush was blue. It was then that I noticed what she was wearing - blue clothes. Blue nail polish. There was something wrong." - Dean, age 26.

"Kara had long straight hair, braided on one side. Her apartment was lit with candles, and incense was burning. There were crystals and pyramids and lava lamps. She offered me marijuana. All she needed was sitar music and I'd have thought I'd time-warped into the sixties." - Ben, age 49.

"Frank carried a mirror and hairbrush, hairspray, cologne, and even a blowdryer in his glove compartment. And before he got out of the car, he used them all." - Beckie, age 37.

"He came into my apartment and said, "What a classy place. How much does it run ya?" He also asked, during the evening, how much I pay in taxes, how old I am, and how much I pay for a monthly parking spot. Oh yes - and if the stones in my ring were real." - Pam, age 54.

"She kept dead flowers. She had a bouquet from her friend's wedding that she said was six or seven years ago. A dozen roses from some ancient Valentine's Day. A few dead corsages from her high school proms. I asked about them; she gave me a tour." - Sam, age 26.

"Rick showed me around his house, pointed out how he kept his clothes in perfect order, everything facing the same way, arranged by color and fabric. His decor was perfect. The fringe on his rugs was even. His books were arranged alphabetically be subject and author; his CDs by group. His oven was shiny and grease-free. He was very proud of all this. It scared me to death." - Abbey, age 33.

"Hope had long black hair, was dressed in long black clothes. Her nail polish was black. Even her lipstick was black. I asked her if black was her favorite color and she said, "It's just who I am. I'm a creature of darkness." So I asked her if she sucked blood. She just looked at me, didn't smile. And her eyes were very, very dark." - Chuck, age 29.

"The music was soft. The evening was cool. She was beautiful. I pulled her closer to me and held her. She asked me to stop breathing on her eyeballs." - James, age 29.

"Bonnie collected dolls. All sizes, all shapes. She sewed clothes for them. Her shelves and furniture were covered with them. As we left to go out, she patted one on the head and told it that she wouldn't be late. Scary." - Cliff, age 34.

"Tom tried to win my kids over. He arrived with candy and baseball cards. And he called my son DUDE, punched his shoulder, and asked, S'HAPPNIN'?" - Stacey, age 32.

"His pitch was that he was married. To him, that was a strong point. We could date, flirt, have dinner, romance, sex. And then, best of all, he'd LEAVE so I wouldn't have to do his laundry, sew his buttons, or clean his whiskers out of my sink. I could put on loud music and dance around my apartment, rearrange the furniture, read, do whatever I wanted unencumbered." - Grace, age 30.

"He wore a lot of cologne. When I got close to him, it was like getting assaulted by some high-voltage scent. My nostrils burned. I smelled it in my clothes afterward. I took a shower just to wash it out of my skin. My apartment smelled like him for a week." - Evelyn, age 37.

"Susan left her sweater at my place. She came back the next day to get it, and left her scarf. She came back the next day to get it, and left her library book. By the time she came back for the gloves she left when she got the book, we were having a relationship." - Julius, age 33.

"She hadn't worn her glasses, so I had no idea she needed them. When she put Parmesan cheese instead of sugar in her tea, I thought, well, both shakers look alike - it could happen to anyone. But when she came back from the ladies' room and sat with the guy in the next booth, I figured something was wrong. Turns out she had no idea what I looked like. He was dressed in the same colored shirt, so she figured he was me. She couldn't see a thing." - Rick, age 40.

"She seemed attractive enough to me, but my dog hated her. As soon as I brought her through the door, he growled, bared his teeth, and snarled. Foamed at the mouth. I've never seen anything like it." - Elliot, age 38.

"She started out by warning me that she had PMS, so I'd better not get on her nerves. The whole night, anything I did or said, she went, TSK. Or sometimes she said, OH PLEASE." - Jeremy, age 28.

"First date: We go drinking. He walks me home, asks to use the bathroom. He doesn't come out, so I go look and find him passed out on my bed, drunk. I can't wake him up and he's too heavy to move. So there I am, wide awake, with this huge, luscious, gorgeous guy in my bed, unconscious. It was awful. Like having your jaw wired at a pie-eating contest." - Myra, age 37.

"He kept peeking over his shoulder, my shoulder, past me, around the restaurant. I thought, Is he afraid to look at me? Are the cops chasing him? Is he wanted for something? Is he a thief? A hit man? Or is he looking out for his girlfriend? Is he married? Afraid to be seen with me? What? He never met my eyes once the whole time. If he were to see me again, there's no way he'd recognize me." - Laurie, age 31.

"It was icy. I slipped on the sidewalk. Instinctively, I grabbed on to Myrna for support, and she fell on top of me. I got up and tried to help her up, but she pulled me back down. We ended up crawling to the car on our hands and knees like Laurel and Hardy." - Carl, age 25.

"In line at the movie, he looked pale. He explained that he was always nervous on first dates and had had a nosebleed on the way over. Then he fainted. Flat on the sidewalk. The theatre called the paramedics. Someone gave him smelling salts. When he came to, he asked for a rain check and said next time wouldn't be our first date anymore, so he wouldn't be as nervous." - Ginger, age 27.

"Driving to the shore, I bought Dena some coffee. Apparently, she decided not to finish it and tossed half of it out the window - except that the window was closed at the time. So she was covered with hot coffee. And so was my window, the seat, and the carpet of my car." - Mike, age 37.

"She looked a bit queasy. When I asked if she felt all right, she said she was a little bit nervous, first date and all. Then she threw up on the front seat of my car. I'll never get rid of the smell." - Greg, age 27.

"At the end of the night, I was tired. I drove to her house, got out, and came around to get her. She looked baffled, asked where we were going. And, oops - I realized I'd taken her to my old girlfriend's house. Force of habit. I tried to laugh it off, but she wasn't fooled. I was only glad she'd said something before I walked her to the door." - Pete, age 26.

"We went to a party and he got absolutely drunk, slurred his words, and took off his shoes to show me his Odor-Eaters. Someone had to take him home; I got a ride with one of his friends. The next day, he called to ask me out again." - Piper, age 24.

"Oh, dear. He did tricks with his scalp, wiggled his ears, and touched his nose with his tongue." - Shirley, age 41.