365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: June 2007

365 Stupidest Things Ever Said: June 2007

These stupid quotes are from The 365 Stupidest Things Ever Said Page-A-Day Calendar 2007.

Page-A-Day Calendars

Friday, June 1: Extraordinarily Strange Government Officials

"Umberto Bossi. Been born, 1941. Conjugated, 4 sons. In 1979, enters into contact with the world and ne she becomes the flagman... Journalist, is founding of various various journalistic heads and average.. he comes to an agreement himself with the Pole of Freedoms."

- from the listing of government officials on the official website of the Italian government, later removed (the official excuse was that they were using a machine translation software as a trial run, and not for general consumption)


Saturday, June 2: Do We Get Cut Rates For Urns?

ADULTS: 1 USD
CHILD: 50 CENTS
CADAVERS: SUBJECT TO NEGOTIATION
- sign at ferry terminal in Davao, Philippines


Sunday, June 3: Being Too Honest

"Miss Charlene Mason sang I Will Not Pass This Way Again, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation." - in a church bulletin


Monday, June 4: The Yolk's On You, Cyrus!

"The entire cosmos... is like an egg. We live on the inner surface of the shell, and inside the hollow are the sun, moon, stars, planets, and comets. What is outside? Absolutely nothing! The inside is all there is. You can't see across it because the atmosphere is too dense. The shell is 100 miles thick..." - visionary Cyrus Reed Teed, in the 1860s


Tuesday, June 5: Long Childhoods

"We have been boyhood friends all our lives." - Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley


Wednesday, June 6: Thank Heaven We Have Scholars

"The biggest problem with earthquake prediction studies is that you don't know when there'll be an earthquake." - Alasdair Shelton of Stockholm University, Sweden (thanks to Leah Dvorak and Bill Cumming)


Thursday, June 7: Ungracious Dance Schools

"DEBBIE'S SCHOOL OF DANCE
20 WATER ST., NEWARK VALLEY, NY
RESENTS ITS 4TH ANNUAL DANCE RECITAL
SUNDAY, JUNE 14, 3 PM"
- ad in a Newark Valley, New York, newspaper


Friday, June 8: Ah, Now We Get It

"It's not just money. There's financial problems as well." - soccer star Gerry Francis


Saturday, June 9: Can't Argue With That Department

"[He is] one of the great unknown champions because very little is known about him." - sportscaster David Coleman


Sunday, June 10: Toxic Sludge, The Good Side

"[The dumping of toxic sludge into the Potomac River] actually protects the fish in that they are not inclined to bite and get eaten by humans, but they go ahead with their upstream movement." - Army Corps of Engineers, 2002


Monday, June 11: Our Inquiry: Why The Sign?

"THIS PROPERTY IS NOT FOR SALE
FOR INQUIRIES, CALL EG AGUIRRE TEL: 832-2371"
- sign in the Philippines


Tuesday, June 12: Those Hefty N'Awlins Gals

"Later, a tow truck also got stuck in the canal while trying to help the other two vehicles, [S&WB spokesman Joe] Puglia said, adding that the land was probably unstable because of the recent dry weather. A flatbed truck equipped with wenches rescued all three vehicles in the late afternoon." - from the New Orleans Times-Picayune (thanks to Brian Hughes)


Wednesday, June 13: Dates We Don't Want To Go On

"... my philosophy of dating is to just fart right away." - actress Jenny McCarthy


Thursday, June 14: Not So Pithy Pundits

"[This is] a place that would be pretty much like the place that I would have grown up in, I think, if I had have grown up here." - political pundit Alan Keyes, on the Chicago neighborhood he chose to rent in after moving to the state to run for the U.S. Senate


Friday, June 15: Absolutely Fascinating Hurricane Facts

"HURRICANES UNHEALTHFUL" - headline in the Rapid City (South Dakota) Journal


Saturday, June 16: Not Pregnant Referees

"When he makes a decision, there's no arms thrown in the air and no gestating." - Irish soccer star Niall Quinn, on a referee


Sunday, June 17: Dad-Like Dads

"I wish my dear departed dad was here because he was like a father figure to me." - contestant on The Weakest Link


Monday, June 18: That's Why Quotation Books Are So Vitally Important

"Heartworm is an infectious, life-threatening cardiovascular disease spread by misquotes." - in a medical article


Tuesday, June 19: Dangerous Actresses

"How to protect your neighborhood against crime and Jennifer Beals, star of The Bride. Live at five." - from a tease on CBS-TV, New York


Wednesday, June 20: Painful Clichés

"Everybody is putting their hands to the grindstone." - Ken Allen, Australian consul general in New York


Thursday, June 21: Not Alluring Hair Stylist Ads

NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE.
AFFORDABLE.
AN ALTERNATIVE TO LOOKING GOOD.
= ad for a Massachusetts hair salon


Friday, June 22: Those Oh-So-Technical Questions

Customer: I'm an educated man, so don't you talk down to me!
Tech support: Okay, sir. Do you have a desktop or tower case?
Customer: Don't use that technical s*** with me!
- actual call to a computer tech support line


Saturday, June 23: Necessary Dewordification

Title of a U.S. Postal Service plan to get more letter carriers to deliver mail on foot: ROUTE DEMOTORIZATION


Sunday, June 24: Take A Left At The Next Burning Bush

"We're going to the land of milk and honey. Anybody know the way?" - an Israelite about to leave Egypt, in The Ten Commandments (1956)


Monday, June 25: New Verbs

"We had four must-win games, and we musted." - Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, explaining his team's win in the 2004 American League Championship Series (thanks to Mike Curtis)


Tuesday, June 26: Enigmatic Secretaries of Defense

"Things will not be necessarily continuous. The fact that they are something other than perfectly continuous ought not to be characterized as a pause. There will be some things that people will see. There will be some things that people won't see. And life goes on." - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, during a Defense Department news briefing


Wednesday, June 27: No Wonder They Keep Running Out Of Booze

HOTEL BAR.
NO DRINKING.
PROHIBITED.
- sign in a Turkish cocktail lounge


Thursday, June 28: God, You Must Be Popular

Question: We've heard you like throwing drinks in people's faces and then walking away.
Actress Lara Flynn Boyle: The people I hang out with have sense. They'll just say something like, "Thanks. I was getting a little thirsty."


Friday, June 29: A Little Too Specific Testimony

Lawyer: I would like you to turn to the next page, dated June 9, 1993.
Plaintiff: Yes.
Lawyer: Do you recall this incident occurring?
Plaintiff: Yes. The night before that, I had eaten at Beachcomber's Restaurant. And I had crab. And I had vomited in the -
Lawyer: I assure you on this question, a simple "Yes" or "No" will do.
- recorded in court testimony


Saturday, June 30: Problems Understanding The Concept of Half

"We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!" - sportscaster Jerry Coleman