My Internet friend Kevin's opinion on drugs

The perfect song for this post is Neil Young's Needle and the Damage Done.

Just for my own reference: Talladega Nights, A Fish Called Wanda, Requiem For A Dream (definitely reminded us of Trainspotting and Traffic!), and POTC 2: Dead Men's Chest.

REQUIEM FOR A DREAM also reminded me of this post by my Internet friend Kevin:

Drugs are good. It is drugs education that is bad. The problem is that drug education doesn't tell the whole truth, or even much of it. When kids find that out, they're don't trust anything else you say.

I think that drug education does cause more problems than it solves.

All telling some people from a young age that they should not do something is going to do is arouse their curiosity. I mean, if someone preached to you all your life that swimming is evil and then you saw people swimming and nothing bad happened to them (at least nothing you could see), what would you do? There are a thousand possible answers.

Some people might avoid the swimmers and say "they're evil people," or others might be unaffected completely. Still others would report them to the local authorities, or another group would choose to join them and explore the forbidden. I feel that most people who do drugs are drawn into the drug culture because it's forbidden, and at first it's really exciting. It's like you're part of this whole new world, and everyone else is being fooled. They're avoiding the sweet and simple pleasures of the water simply because they've been told the horror stories about men who swam off the face of the earth, or got sucked down by some wicked current.

And then... some people do overdo it.

I don't know... it almost looks to me like our drug policies are designed to draw people into doing drugs. They talk about drugs all the time in the schools, right? Saying, "Hey! Don't do drugs!"... but then if you start having problems paying attention or emotional problems like depression or if you get in a lot of fights or anything, they say: "Here, take this pill. It'll make everything all right. Adderall, Prozac, Lithium, Zoloft, Ritalin, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Valium... all sorts of drugs that when you're on them, you don't feel like yourself, y'know? But whatever you do, don't smoke weed! Oh, weed makes you crazy! Oh, weed will destroy your whole life! Now, take your Ritalin and go sit somewhere out of sight for a while... I've got things to do."

Here's why drug policies are bad. Kids hear that marijuana is really bad for you, and it'll make you into a "druggie." They see some of their friends using it, without any problems, so they decide to try it themselves. Hmmm, it makes them feel good and makes them laugh. So if the drug educators lied about weed, I wonder if they lied about coke. So they try that. Then they try heroin. Then they become a pill person: Oxycontin, Xanax Bars, Percocet, Lortab, Valium, Morphine. Then hallucinogens. Shrooms. They get crazy. By now, they have a dealer. So it's no trouble to get acid, LSD, tabs. By now, they have a group of friends who all do the same thing, as their other friends got worried and decided it wasn't worth it. Now they get stupid. They get addicted. They get to a point to where they have a terrible trip and they cry and they get violent and they no longer want to live. They throw up, and they literally want to be the vomit swirling down the toilet. This causes them to wake up from their drugs trance. This is the only way they learn. Even worse, they could get to a stage where they just don't care anymore... so they take 20 pills of X, then 50 tabs of acid. They die. They die in a state of euphoria, and are literally lifted from the world. If they could have explored on their own, they wouldn't have done so much so fast and possibly ruined their life.

D.rugs
A.re
R.eally
E.xpensive

DARE doesn't do jack sh*t. If they want kids to not do drugs, they can't leave out all the good things about them, because kids already know that people do drugs because they enjoy it. A better way to educate kids about drugs is to give all the facts. They need to teach kids what's good and bad about the drug, so they can at least make a decision for themselves after knowing the consequences. If you were to tell a kid that chocolate is horrible, they're not going to believe you because everyone else eats chocolate and likes it. If you tell them that it tastes good, but it's bad for you, then they'll probably eat a little bit, but not too much because they know it's bad for them.

The only good thing D.A.R.E. does is give the kids their first black T-shirt, which they think is cool. So they start to wear more and more black, until that's all they wear.

Now that I have ranted about drug education, on now to arguments for specific drugs.

Painkillers: These babies are always good if you don't take too many. Stuff like Vicodin, Percocet, Vioxx, Oxicontin (Cotton), and Codeine give you a mild high (even if you don't have a broken leg... though if you do, double the dosage) and are usually undetectable by the public at large, i.e. girlfriends that don't want you to take drugs, your parents, members of law enforcement (especially those that aren't fans of my show!). If you take too many, you'll either OD or pass out. In most cases, this isn't good. If you mix one or two painkillers (not Oxys though... way too powerful) with alcohol, it can be fun as long as you don't drive. For those of you who are a little more advanced, do what works for you. Some people, so I hear, can tolerate two or three Vicodins each couple of hours with a couple of drinks.

Ecstasy: X is good if you want to get an attractive "friend" who may not initially want to sleep with you to suddenly realize they do want to sleep with you. It makes you sweat and dehydrates you, so know that going in. At the end of the 'trip,' you get tired, so have a little bit of cocaine or speed to keep the fun lasting a little longer. It also keeps you f*cking longer if you happen to be doing that, and it keeps you from c*ming too quickly.

Marijuana: Pot works differently for all people. Some get silly, some get lazy, and most get silly and lazy which equals annoyingly stupid. I've never been a big fan of pot. Some people live on this sh*t. It slows you down and makes you stare at whatever comes on the TV. I'm already slow and watch Mariah Carey in Glitter all the time... I don't need this herbal sh*t.

Coke and Speed: These are the most dangerous. They clog up your nose and make you talk forever while saying absolutely nothing. Coke can get expensive, so buyer beware (and watch out for girls with big noses). Speed is what I call a lifestyle drug. Most of the people who use it are on it all the time, and it's easy to tell. Their homes are either completely clean to the extreme or they are a pigsty. Speeders, or "tweakers," have the attention span of a parakeet. They can't concentrate on one thing for more than a second. They do lots of things quickly... and badly.

I could go into more detail about all of these if you need me to. Just ask.

What define an addiction? Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance. From dictionary.com. Acid isn't habit-forming. Pills are. So maybe I am just addicted to the feeling of not feeling anything.

Finally, I think all of you should do drugs. At least once, and at least something good. Try codeine if you can get your hands on it. I am sure you can, all you St. John's people.

Reasons Why You Should Do Drugs

1. They make even the boringest of tedious tasks fun – sitting in front of a muted television, for instance.
2. They help you learn the fundamentals of Cheeto crevices and potato chip formations.
3. They don't cost that much money.
4. They're easier to find than sex, and come with less politics.
5. How else are terrorists going to get funding?
6. They enhance your memory.
7. The world in all its shittiness becomes more apparent, disregarding the fact that drugs make it seem more suitable.
8. They enhance your memory.
9. They increase motivation.
10. I am too lazy to make a number 10.

So yeah. Do something. Then tell me why it's bad. Sweet.