"Jack Bauer's Greatest Hits" (AKA "The Moments that Made Amnesty International Cringe")
Day 1: 10:00 AM-11:00 AM: Jack Bauer Goes Old School on Ted Cofell
Jack's family had been abducted by Ira Gaines, and he had traced all of his leads to Ted Cofell, a wealthy CEO with ties to the Drazens. Jack had switched places with Cofell's chauffeur, a change that had gone unnoticed by Cofell. See what happens when you ignore the help? Sure enough, Jack soon made his presence felt, and demonstrated extraordinary resourcefulness in light of the scarcity of effective "interrogative tools."
Jack Bauer: You ever heard of the Russian gulag?
Ted Cofell: What?
Jack Bauer: A string of prisons in Northern Siberia. Russians didn't have a lot of hi-tech equipment up there, so they had to make do with what was around, sort of like what I'm doing right now. You probably don't think I can force this towel down your throat, but trust me, I can, all the way. Except I hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out, taking your stomach lining with it. Most people, they take about a week to die. It's very painful.
Ted Cofell: What kind of man are you?
Not a man you want to mess with, Ted.
Day 2: 8:00 AM-9:00 AM: Jack Farts in the General Direction of the Bill of Rights
Of course, that could describe Jack's entire attitude during the course of the show.
The entirety of Season Two is a testament to Jack's superhuman powers. Jack survives a plane crash, a nuclear bomb, nearly dying during an interrogation, and dealing with a daughter so incompetent that she gets stalked by a cougar and captured by Johnny Drama. The best moment, however, happens early on in the season. Jack is recalled to CTU to stop Second Wave from setting off an atomic bomb in L.A. He interrogates an inmate in federal custody for information, and decides that, rather than ask a bunch of stupid questions and getting some half-baked responses, he'll shoot the inmate in the chest and then cut off his head. And, in what soon becomes a 24 cliché, Jack gets away with it and suffers no repercussions whatsoever.
Well, the Constitution doesn't say anything about having the right to keep your head. Other than that life, liberty, and property part...
Day 3: 5:00 PM-6:00 PM: Jack Plays Russian Roulette in a Room Full of Armed Prisoners, and Somehow Manages to Escape
In a scene straight out of The Deer Hunter, Jack and Ramon Salazar are forced to play Russian Roulette in a room full of prisoners. Unlike the movie, there is no little Asian guy yelling "Mao!" at the participants in the game. Nor are there three bullets in the gun. Instead, Jack has to make do with just the one bullet, and that's more than enough for him. He shoots one of the prisoners, and then escapes with Ramon just as Chase Edmunds and his team hit the scene.
Jack also showed that he was an excellent Russian Roulette player. He passed the first round easily, and then knew he had a bullet in the chamber so that he could shoot the guard when it was his turn to go again. Clearly, he has a future on the pro circuit – especially if he has to leave the country after this season's killing spree. Then again, knowing this show, he'll probably just get a Presidential pardon.
Day 3: 2:00 AM-3:00 AM: Jack Follows Liam Neeson's Advice from Batman Begins and Minds his Surroundings
Also known as "Nina Gets What She Deserves." I never bought Nina as a villain. The plot twist in Season 1 where she was revealed as the mole in CTU after they spent much of the season building her up as a dutiful and loyal sidekick to Jack who was probably in love with him seemed forced. Plus, she was more of a desk agent, and didn't seem like someone who could hold her own in the field, unlike Henderson or Tony. As a result, the entire sequence where she deliberately jammed her head into a needle in order to escape from CTU just didn't seem realistic.
Still, there's no denying her ability to get under Jack's skin. You know, killing a guy's wife will do that. Jack managed to get Nina cornered, and knowing that someone was surely watching him, he stepped in the front of the surveillance camera and shot her to death. In his official report, he claimed Nina was going for her gun, even though she would have needed to have Inspector Gadget's go-go-gadget arms in order to reach it. All that was missing was Jack yelling out: "She's coming right for us!"
Day 3 11:00 AM-12:00 PM: Jack "Reasons" With Stephen Saunders
Just like his ability to heal from pesky stab and gunshot wounds, Jack seems to possess superhuman powers of persuasion. When his former partner, Stephen Saunders, turned up after years of being presumed dead, he was really pissed off at the world. Apparently, being presumed dead turns you into a bad guy. (just like it did for Tony) I would think that people would find it liberating, like Jack did when he was presumed dead. He seemed to have a nice life living with Diane Huxley and pretending to be an oil rigger.
Saunders, however, decided that he was going to deal with it by unleashing a dangerous virus in L.A. One of his underlings set off the virus in a hotel, causing the deaths of hundreds of unnamed extras, as well as Gael and several CTU agents. (though curiously, Michelle Dessler was fine) Jack eventually captured Saunders, and knew he wasn't going to break him in time to stop the second wave of attacks. So, he took Saunders' daughter and ordered Chase to take her into the hotel, thereby exposing her to the virus. Of course, what makes the scene is the sadistic smile on Jack's face as he tells Saunders: "When your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die."
Saunders also marked the last time that 24> producers would have a villain that was much taller than Jack appear in the same frame as him. From then on, all villains would either be shorter (Abu Fayed, Tony) or would be shown crouched over, lying down, or sitting. (Henderson)
Day 4: 2:00 AM-3:00 AM: Jack Shows Us How to Deal with a Love Triangle
For some reason, Audrey Raines was still hung up on her wimpy, sniveling husband, Paul. When Jack had evidence linking Paul's company to Marwan, he cornered Paul in his hotel room and started to interrogate him. Because Paul didn't have the foresight to check into a CTU holding cell instead of a four-star hotel, Jack had to, once again, make do with his surroundings. This time, he took apart a lamp and used the wires to shock Paul until he got his answers.
Eventually, the two buried the hatchet, and Paul even saved Jack's life. However, Paul took a bullet, and Audrey started to feel sorry for him. So much so that she began to rethink her relationship with Jack. Now, Jack has been in enough love triangles to know that the best way to solve the problem is to cut the Gordian knot, so to speak. As such, he forced doctors to stop operating on Paul so that they could revive some Chinese terrorist who was involved with Marwan. Oh sure, Jack used national security to justify it, but let's not kid ourselves. He just wanted Audrey all to himself.
Day 4: 5:00 PM-6:00 PM: Jack Teaches Basic Human Anatomy
Never let it be said that Jack lacks compassion. When he learned that his old mentor, Christopher Henderson, was involved with the Sentox nerve gas conspiracy, he committed a home invasion burglary to get intel. When Henderson arrived home, Jack was ready, holding both him and his wife, Miriam, at gunpoint. He tried to get Henderson to talk, but he refused. As a result, Jack needed a different strategy.
Jack shoots Miriam Henderson in the leg
Jack: I shot her above the kneecap. She can still walk! You make me shoot her again, she'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life!
And, in keeping with the theme of this piece, Jack not only escaped blame, but even caused Miriam to be angrier at her husband after he refused to talk. That's talent.
Day 5: 5:00 AM-6:00 AM: Never Take Jack on a Submarine Tour
Jack's trip to the submarine was nothing short of a tour de force as he snuck onto the sub, talked an inexperienced crewman through cutting a guy's throat, fooled Henderson by giving him an empty gun, killed Vladimir Bierko with his legs, and then shot Henderson to death. Jack then went to President Logan's retreat so that he could hijack the Presidential helicopter and take Logan hostage. In other words, just another day at the office for Jack.
Day 6: 6:00 AM-7:00 AM: Jack Goes Hannibal Lecter on Some Extra
You would think that after being a captive of the Chinese government for two years (during which time he was subjected to endless torture) would make Jack as harmless as a little puppy. You would think that Jack would be so disillusioned after his government negotiated for his release for the sole purpose of turning him over to Abu Fayed that he would have as much fight left in him as a tranquilized panda bear.
You would be wrong.
Jack got away from Fayed by ripping out some redshirt terrorist's throat with his teeth. A few hours later, Jack finished the job by taking out Fayed's entire army before wrapping a chain around Fayed's neck and hanging him from the rafters of his warehouse. After Jack finished his one-man rampage, CTU agent Mike Doyle summed up how everyone felt by saying: "Damn, Jack!"
Day 8: Jack Goes to Extreme Measures to Retrieve a Sim Card
It is a pain in the ass to re-enter those contacts once you get a new phone. But that's what happens when you lose your sim card. Jack was damned if that was going to happen to him. When he captured Pavel, the Russian sniper who killed Renee, Jack burned him with a blowtorch, threw gasoline on the wound, and then performs emergency surgery on his stomach in order to retrieve the card.
You know, I'm sure most stores would have transferred your contacts for free, Jack.
Jack's family had been abducted by Ira Gaines, and he had traced all of his leads to Ted Cofell, a wealthy CEO with ties to the Drazens. Jack had switched places with Cofell's chauffeur, a change that had gone unnoticed by Cofell. See what happens when you ignore the help? Sure enough, Jack soon made his presence felt, and demonstrated extraordinary resourcefulness in light of the scarcity of effective "interrogative tools."
Jack Bauer: You ever heard of the Russian gulag?
Ted Cofell: What?
Jack Bauer: A string of prisons in Northern Siberia. Russians didn't have a lot of hi-tech equipment up there, so they had to make do with what was around, sort of like what I'm doing right now. You probably don't think I can force this towel down your throat, but trust me, I can, all the way. Except I hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out, taking your stomach lining with it. Most people, they take about a week to die. It's very painful.
Ted Cofell: What kind of man are you?
Not a man you want to mess with, Ted.
Day 2: 8:00 AM-9:00 AM: Jack Farts in the General Direction of the Bill of Rights
Of course, that could describe Jack's entire attitude during the course of the show.
The entirety of Season Two is a testament to Jack's superhuman powers. Jack survives a plane crash, a nuclear bomb, nearly dying during an interrogation, and dealing with a daughter so incompetent that she gets stalked by a cougar and captured by Johnny Drama. The best moment, however, happens early on in the season. Jack is recalled to CTU to stop Second Wave from setting off an atomic bomb in L.A. He interrogates an inmate in federal custody for information, and decides that, rather than ask a bunch of stupid questions and getting some half-baked responses, he'll shoot the inmate in the chest and then cut off his head. And, in what soon becomes a 24 cliché, Jack gets away with it and suffers no repercussions whatsoever.
Well, the Constitution doesn't say anything about having the right to keep your head. Other than that life, liberty, and property part...
Day 3: 5:00 PM-6:00 PM: Jack Plays Russian Roulette in a Room Full of Armed Prisoners, and Somehow Manages to Escape
In a scene straight out of The Deer Hunter, Jack and Ramon Salazar are forced to play Russian Roulette in a room full of prisoners. Unlike the movie, there is no little Asian guy yelling "Mao!" at the participants in the game. Nor are there three bullets in the gun. Instead, Jack has to make do with just the one bullet, and that's more than enough for him. He shoots one of the prisoners, and then escapes with Ramon just as Chase Edmunds and his team hit the scene.
Jack also showed that he was an excellent Russian Roulette player. He passed the first round easily, and then knew he had a bullet in the chamber so that he could shoot the guard when it was his turn to go again. Clearly, he has a future on the pro circuit – especially if he has to leave the country after this season's killing spree. Then again, knowing this show, he'll probably just get a Presidential pardon.
Day 3: 2:00 AM-3:00 AM: Jack Follows Liam Neeson's Advice from Batman Begins and Minds his Surroundings
Also known as "Nina Gets What She Deserves." I never bought Nina as a villain. The plot twist in Season 1 where she was revealed as the mole in CTU after they spent much of the season building her up as a dutiful and loyal sidekick to Jack who was probably in love with him seemed forced. Plus, she was more of a desk agent, and didn't seem like someone who could hold her own in the field, unlike Henderson or Tony. As a result, the entire sequence where she deliberately jammed her head into a needle in order to escape from CTU just didn't seem realistic.
Still, there's no denying her ability to get under Jack's skin. You know, killing a guy's wife will do that. Jack managed to get Nina cornered, and knowing that someone was surely watching him, he stepped in the front of the surveillance camera and shot her to death. In his official report, he claimed Nina was going for her gun, even though she would have needed to have Inspector Gadget's go-go-gadget arms in order to reach it. All that was missing was Jack yelling out: "She's coming right for us!"
Day 3 11:00 AM-12:00 PM: Jack "Reasons" With Stephen Saunders
Just like his ability to heal from pesky stab and gunshot wounds, Jack seems to possess superhuman powers of persuasion. When his former partner, Stephen Saunders, turned up after years of being presumed dead, he was really pissed off at the world. Apparently, being presumed dead turns you into a bad guy. (just like it did for Tony) I would think that people would find it liberating, like Jack did when he was presumed dead. He seemed to have a nice life living with Diane Huxley and pretending to be an oil rigger.
Saunders, however, decided that he was going to deal with it by unleashing a dangerous virus in L.A. One of his underlings set off the virus in a hotel, causing the deaths of hundreds of unnamed extras, as well as Gael and several CTU agents. (though curiously, Michelle Dessler was fine) Jack eventually captured Saunders, and knew he wasn't going to break him in time to stop the second wave of attacks. So, he took Saunders' daughter and ordered Chase to take her into the hotel, thereby exposing her to the virus. Of course, what makes the scene is the sadistic smile on Jack's face as he tells Saunders: "When your daughter is infected, I'm gonna make you watch her die."
Saunders also marked the last time that 24> producers would have a villain that was much taller than Jack appear in the same frame as him. From then on, all villains would either be shorter (Abu Fayed, Tony) or would be shown crouched over, lying down, or sitting. (Henderson)
Day 4: 2:00 AM-3:00 AM: Jack Shows Us How to Deal with a Love Triangle
For some reason, Audrey Raines was still hung up on her wimpy, sniveling husband, Paul. When Jack had evidence linking Paul's company to Marwan, he cornered Paul in his hotel room and started to interrogate him. Because Paul didn't have the foresight to check into a CTU holding cell instead of a four-star hotel, Jack had to, once again, make do with his surroundings. This time, he took apart a lamp and used the wires to shock Paul until he got his answers.
Eventually, the two buried the hatchet, and Paul even saved Jack's life. However, Paul took a bullet, and Audrey started to feel sorry for him. So much so that she began to rethink her relationship with Jack. Now, Jack has been in enough love triangles to know that the best way to solve the problem is to cut the Gordian knot, so to speak. As such, he forced doctors to stop operating on Paul so that they could revive some Chinese terrorist who was involved with Marwan. Oh sure, Jack used national security to justify it, but let's not kid ourselves. He just wanted Audrey all to himself.
Day 4: 5:00 PM-6:00 PM: Jack Teaches Basic Human Anatomy
Never let it be said that Jack lacks compassion. When he learned that his old mentor, Christopher Henderson, was involved with the Sentox nerve gas conspiracy, he committed a home invasion burglary to get intel. When Henderson arrived home, Jack was ready, holding both him and his wife, Miriam, at gunpoint. He tried to get Henderson to talk, but he refused. As a result, Jack needed a different strategy.
Jack shoots Miriam Henderson in the leg
Jack: I shot her above the kneecap. She can still walk! You make me shoot her again, she'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life!
And, in keeping with the theme of this piece, Jack not only escaped blame, but even caused Miriam to be angrier at her husband after he refused to talk. That's talent.
Day 5: 5:00 AM-6:00 AM: Never Take Jack on a Submarine Tour
Jack's trip to the submarine was nothing short of a tour de force as he snuck onto the sub, talked an inexperienced crewman through cutting a guy's throat, fooled Henderson by giving him an empty gun, killed Vladimir Bierko with his legs, and then shot Henderson to death. Jack then went to President Logan's retreat so that he could hijack the Presidential helicopter and take Logan hostage. In other words, just another day at the office for Jack.
Day 6: 6:00 AM-7:00 AM: Jack Goes Hannibal Lecter on Some Extra
You would think that after being a captive of the Chinese government for two years (during which time he was subjected to endless torture) would make Jack as harmless as a little puppy. You would think that Jack would be so disillusioned after his government negotiated for his release for the sole purpose of turning him over to Abu Fayed that he would have as much fight left in him as a tranquilized panda bear.
You would be wrong.
Jack got away from Fayed by ripping out some redshirt terrorist's throat with his teeth. A few hours later, Jack finished the job by taking out Fayed's entire army before wrapping a chain around Fayed's neck and hanging him from the rafters of his warehouse. After Jack finished his one-man rampage, CTU agent Mike Doyle summed up how everyone felt by saying: "Damn, Jack!"
Day 8: Jack Goes to Extreme Measures to Retrieve a Sim Card
It is a pain in the ass to re-enter those contacts once you get a new phone. But that's what happens when you lose your sim card. Jack was damned if that was going to happen to him. When he captured Pavel, the Russian sniper who killed Renee, Jack burned him with a blowtorch, threw gasoline on the wound, and then performs emergency surgery on his stomach in order to retrieve the card.
You know, I'm sure most stores would have transferred your contacts for free, Jack.
Labels: 24, audrey, cards, chinese, chris, conversations, death, jack bauer, johnny, kim, life, lists, maxed-out tags limit, michelle, movies, nina, paul, sick, stephen, tony
posted by Flami at 5:20:00 PM
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