Sniper assassins, moles, rogue agents, and more - 24 IS BACK!

Steph and Christon picked me up a little late, but that was fine.

In the show... Snipers are trying to kill the guy who played Detective Aceveda in The Shield. I guess they're working for Vic Mackey. They shoot out his tires and window... making the car skid all over the road. Meanwhile, Aceveda walks into a crack house for some reason. He's looking for his friend who, conveniently, has a bullet in his brain. He calls someone and asks for a guy who is also dead from a gunshot. Man, this guy leaves more dead bodies in his wake than Jack. One of the assassins trying to kill Aceveda looks like a fatter, older Screech. I guess we know who his boss is. Mr. Belding, anyone? (and Mark-Paul Goselaar plays Kim's husband - ZACK MORRIS!) Meanwhile, Aceveda hotwires a car and shows he's a lot like Jack after all. So, the first car-jacking has taken place two minutes into the season. Who had 4:02 in the pool?

Screech calls in the stolen vehicle. He also plugs his sex tape and apologizes for his behavior on Celebrity Fit Club. Jack is relaxing on the couch and watching TV with his granddaughter. "Jack..." "Sweetheart, we went over this - you're supposed to call me Grandpa." "You don't LOOK like a grandpa..." She finds the cartoons boring, so of course, Jack turns to FOX News. She gets upset, so I guess she's a CNN person. Kim tells Jack that her daughter reminds her of him. I guess that means she tortures her mom for information. "Where is my teddy bear? TELL ME WHERE MR. TEDDY IS, OR ELSE I'LL SHOOT YOUR KNEECAP!" President Taylor is talking with the guy who played the gameshow host from Slumdog Millionaire. Maybe she's trying to win enough money to pay off the national debt. Sorry Madame President, you'll have to go on Slumdog Trillionaire for that kind of dough. Oh wait, he's the president of some Islamic country that has weapons. He's willing to make a deal, so I guess that means he's going to be killed. Jack decides to move out to L.A., and the family is happy. You know what that means.

Some blonde reporter tries to get into the UN with an invalid press pass. His brother is giving President Hassan shit about the deal. He's kind of annoying and seems skeptical about the President's motives. Man, do all the politicians on this show have annoying family members that hinder more than help them? President Hassan gets a call from the blonde reporter, and he promises to take care of her. I guess we know what his weakness is. Aceveda corners Jack in his apartment. His name is Victor? Awesome. Oh wait, he's been shot. Never mind. He tells Jack that President Hassan is going to be killed at the UN. He wants a deal and he wants Jack to vouch for him to CTU. Shouldn't be too hard to get a deal. I'm sure they have a bunch of immunity agreements on some flash drive somewhere. After all, they give those out like coupons.

We get our first glimpse of Freddie Prinze Jr. (Steph laughed) Meanwhile, some statuesque blonde woman in a dress that's way too inappropriate for work flirts with him as he comes in. Here's Chloe and you'll never guess it, but she's not in a good mood. She's having trouble with the computers, and she's not happy about it. The guy who played Bubba in Forrest Gump is the new chief of CTU, Brian Hastings. He says he loves catching terrorists. Foreign terrorists, Islamic terrorists, domestic terrorists, freelance terrorists, Russian terrorists... Anyway, Jack gets his attention with the intel on Hassan.

Jack is nice enough to tie together previous seasons by telling us that Aceveda helped him to establish cover with the Salazars. Bubba orders that CTU use some drones? What the hell is a drone? Apparently, they're going to be using them a lot this year. Warden Norton is now Secretary of State, and he delivers the good news to President Taylor. She seems upset, though, and brings up Henry, her wayward husband. (Mom thought he was dead, and we told her to WAIT and listen!) Warden Norton and President Taylor fill us in on the last couple of years. Her daughter is in jail, and her husband filed for divorce. Wow! I'm guessing President Taylor won't be running for reelection. Warden Norton is using some kind of medication. He says "I ain't dead yet," which means he'll be dead by mid-season.

Bubba tells Chloe to ship up or shape out. ("You and your husband DOWNSIZED, so you should speed up and know the systems!") Meanwhile, Jack and Aceveda are in an alley and Aceveda faints. Jack has to perform emergency first-aid and thankfully, there's a mattress in the alley for him to use. I wonder if there's a bag of slightly used surgical supplies nearby. Hassan's wife is cold to their daughter ("You learned to be a wonderful liar from your father!"), and tells Hassan not to touch her. She's really nasty to him, and says that they don't need to pretend anymore. I guess political marriages are just as bad in Islamic countries as they are in America. See? We do have something in common after all! Maybe we can build on this!

President Taylor is not going to tell President Hassan about the plot for fear of jeopardizing their deal. Her Chief of Staff is not happy about this, but President Taylor is adamant. Have I mentioned what a terrible president she is? And another cliché of 24. The ignorant local law enforcement officials that don't listen to Jack. In this case, local cops show up and detail Jack and Aceveda as they're trying to get to the chopper. The cops won't listen to Jack, so they get what they deserve when the assassins show up and kill them. They're moving a drone into position. Whatever that means. Meanwhile, Aceveda won't tell Jack what he knows because he wants his deal. Jack reaffirms his awesomeness by taking out both assassins. He hits Screech with a fire axe and kicks the other over the railing. It's like riding a bike, isn't it, Jack? Jack then pushes Ortiz out of the way before he can be hit with a rocket launcher. The assassin who was talking to Screech is the guy who played Percy on The Green Mile. He was the one who fired the rocket launcher.

Aceveda finally sings, and he says it's someone on the inside, close to Hassan. I guess Hassan's screening procedures aren't any better than ours. Again, we can build on this! Looks like it's blonde reporter that will be doing the deed. Which, of course, means she's not really the mole, because she's actually a double agent. Unless she is pretending to be a double agent so she can draw out the real conspirators. In which case, she could be a triple agent because she wants to kill the real conspirators for what they did to her several years ago. Ugh, my head hurts. From now one, we'll just call that "Pulling a Tony" for shorthand purposes.

The EMTs haven't arrived yet. Of course not. They're not terrorists. Those guys move at the speed of light. Meanwhile, Ortiz is upset at Bubba over the drones not working. Man, these drones are really letting us down, aren't they? Jack says he believes Aceveda because he was dying and had no reason to lie. Hey, lawyers would agree. After all, there's pretty much the basis behind the dying declaration exception to the hearsay rule. Anyway, Jack tries to walk away, but we all know he ain't gonna do it. Chief of Staff Weiss reads Bubba the riot act. Bubba has to get results... after all, that's why he got the job. He also got the job because he believed in beating terror suspects, torturing terror suspects, using sodium pentathol on terror suspects, waterboarding terror suspects... That's the last one, I promise.

Hassan is about to get his groove on with blonde reporter. She reminds me of President Daniels' Chief of Staff (Lisa Miller) from a few seasons ago. Apparently, the drone is part of some anti-missile system. And it didn't work. I guess the new CTU is whole lot like the old CTU after all. Chloe's gotten a lock on the computer that hacked into the UN. They have blonde reporter's name (Meredith Reid), which of course, means she isn't the assassin. Of course, what it does mean is that there will be no booty call for the President. (security separates them from ten yards away) Chloe thinks this is too easy and is convinced that blonde reporter is being set up. She has a point. After all, we're only in hour 2...

Jack arrives at CTU in 15 minutes. Way to beat that Manhattan traffic, Jack. Anyway, Bubba asks Ortiz not to go on the record with his complaint about not using a second team on the operation. He's afraid for his job and doesn't want to deal with Division. After all, we know how anal those guys are. Kim is going to CTU to pick up her dad. Who else thinks she's going to get kidnapped on the way? Jack also seems surprised that they already have the assassin. Man, the old CTU really lowered everyone's expectations, didn't they? President Hassan and his wife are fighting in front of their daughter. She's upset about him diddling the reporter, but really, why should she care? She treated him like total crap earlier.

President Hassan and his brother talk in the hall. President Hassan admits to having gone off the record with the reporter several months ago. His brother then calls Percy the assassin. I guess baby bro's the mole. Unless he isn't. Ah, who cares anymore? Arlo, the perverted analyst at CTU who was using satellites to look at sunbathers on rooftops earlier, starts staring at Dana's boobs. She calls him on it, and then gets a call from some creepy guy who calls her "Jenny Scott." He threatens to expose her and tell everyone about her past, and she nearly has a breakdown. And that's another 24 cliché. The wayward sibling / child / significant other that keeps someone from doing his or her job. Usually this ends up inadvertently causing a massive security breach, so time will tell if this guy does the same.

Bubba tells his guards to take blonde reporter to interrogation and orders the full "biometric package." That doesn't sound good. Jack shows Bubba the photo of the real culprit and Bubba, obviously, doesn't listen to him. "I hate this place," Jack says with a knowing tone in his voice. Chloe plays the guilt card on Jack. She's always done what he's asked, and has never asked any questions. Now she's asking him for help. He walks away, though, and Chloe looks devastated. Come on, Chloe! Hasn't Jack earned the right to walk away? After everything that he's gone through? Of course not. Since Kim also tugs at Jack's heartstrings and tells him it's okay for him to see this through. Are they trying to get him killed?

Ordinarily, I wouldn't be concerned about Jack's health, but this is the last season, after all. Anything's possible. I wouldn't be surprised if the writers finally killed him off. Oh wait, there's a 24 movie in the works? Nevermind. Go crazy, Jack! Don't worry about a thing! Blonde reporter is connected to some machine and is being interrogated. It certainly looks humane. Then again, waterboarding didn't sound so bad until I read about what it actually entailed. Send in the drones. I guess that's our word of the season. Apparently, Dana's creepy guy is named "Kevin Wade." Dana's worried she's going to lose everything. Her career. Freddie Prinze Jr. Anyway, Arlo tells her that someone's hacked into her computer. Man, Chloe really is struggling with that new software. Ordinarily, she wouldn't have been caught.

Percy the assassin goes to someone's house and puts on his best American accent. We find out he's using the alias of "Mikey" and he's a traffic cop with the NYPD. The guy whose house he goes to is one of his coworkers. I smell a hostage situation brewing. Of course, CTU puts Jack under arrest because they still haven't learned the one cardinal rule of this show: Always listen to Jack. I thought that would have been engraved into the wall or something. Anyway, he calls Bubba out about the stuff with Cole and his lack of support on the rooftop and the malfunctioning drone or something like that. He threatens to tell the President, so Bubba relents and lets Jack go from the armory. (we could tell that Ortiz believed Jack Bauer)

"Mikey" wants to trade shifts and the cop has to turn him down. "Mikey" takes this really badly and pulls out his gun. Man, what would have happened if "Mikey" had asked him to work a double? "Mikey" then drops the accent and tells his coworker (at gunpoint) to call their supervisor and them they switched shifts. He refuses, and "Mikey" shoots the guy's wife (Maggie) above the kneecap. He says he won't miss the bone next time. Man, does it suck to be a wife on this show. First Christopher Henderson's wife and now her. He's smart, getting the husband to put tape over his wife's mouth - none of HIS fingerprints!

Next on 24 – explosions, gunfire, beatdowns, and oh yeah, Renee is coming back! Woohoo!


Trivia fact for Sunday, Jan. 17: What U.S. sports trophy features sterling silver bas-relief likenesses of its winners? The Borg-Warner Trophy, which is awarded annually to the winner of the Indianapolis 500 auto race.