Abishag Lettuce should not be a name! / Teams with bird names

Here's an INSIGHT FOR LIVING magazine article by Phil Callaway that my dad passed around at the dinner table. You can ignore the last two religious paragraphs if you want, since that's what I did.

One of the finest perks of being an author is the chance to meet children who look up at you with wide eyes, and ask you to sign the book Green Eggs and Ham. And when they ask you to sign one of your own books, this is even nicer.

During the last few years, it has become increasingly problematic for me to inscribe children's names correctly. One little girl asked me to do so, and told me her name: Kertsibelle. Or at least that's what I thought she said. I asked her to spell it. She said, "P-m-r-c-h-i-e-r-t-z-i-b-e-l-l-e." Or something like that. I can't quite remember. She spelled it quickly, too. I think she'd had practice.

Now, I'm old enough to remember the days when there were approximately six options for names. Parents chose from a short list of single-syllable monikers that had been approved by the Federal Name Police, an organization founded because folk singers were experimenting with banned substances and naming their children Star, Jasmine, and Whoops.

In those days, available names included: Don, John, Tom, Bob, and Phil. If your child was a girl, a slight variation would suffice: Dawn, Jen, Tammy, Barb, or Phyllis. Not anymore. Today, parents are making up names in the delivery room. "Hi, my name is Dawn, and this is my daughter HAAAAALP!"

Each of the following is a registered name. I kid you not: Abishag Lettuce, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Frou-frou. In Britain, there are children named Reebok, Adidas, and Superman. Worldwide, there are six Gandalphs, 39 Gazzas, 36 Arsenals, and almost 2,000 boys named Tiger.

American federal census records indicate that parents have recently bestowed the following names on their children: Fanny Pack, Post Office, Warren Peace, Nice Carr, Garage Empty, King Arthur, Helen Troy, Candy Stohr, Mary Christmas, Rasp Berry, Happy Day, Ima Pigg, Ima Muskrat, and Ima Nut. And those are the ones fit for print.

And the names we thought Bart Simpson was making up for prank calls? The infamous Al Caholic, Anita Bath, and Amanda Hugginkiss? They are on the list, too.

In our town, there's a dog named Viggo. I met him and his owner one night when I was walking my dog Mojo. The dogs liked each other immediately and engaged in dog-type behaviour while Viggo's owner and I talked. "I named the dog after the movie star Viggo Mortenson," she told me. I wonder what Viggo would think of having a wiener dog with his namesake.

Though the dogs won't be suing us anytime soon, the children are. A growing list of lawsuits launched against parents cite something called "name abuse." Recently, a Swedish couple was fined $746 for naming their son Brfxxxcccxxmnnpcccclllmmnprxxvvclmnckssqlbb11116. I wish I were making this up.

Here are a few suggestions on naming children:

* Avoid names that will draw curious crowds and media exposure, spawn websites, or cause ripples of laughter in classrooms and gymnasiums
* Avoid names your child will have to spell for everyone she meets
* Picture yourself standing on the front steps at night yelling the name. How will "Please Cope," or "Justin Case" (both real names) sound? Will neighbours call the police on you?

Far more important than the names we give our children is the reputation they will carry with them through life. They will need to build that reputation themselves, of course, but we can help them get started down the right road. We can do that this year by choosing daily to spend time in God's Word, live with integrity, and respond to life's trials with joy.

Proverbs 22:1 tells us that a good name is to be chosen over great riches, that "being held in high esteem is better than gold." When people hear your name, it may not matter how many times you have to spell it. But it will matter very much what your name brings to mind.


Trivia fact for Tuesday, Jan. 26: What U.S. city has three professional sports teams with bird names? Atlanta, Georgia. Its teams are the Hawks (basketball), the Thrashers (hockey), and the Falcons (football) - the thrasher is the state bird.