Ebenezer, Eugene, Fifi, and Free

The computer restarted AGAIN!

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.


E

E Ray: Advertised in the back of comic books, E Ray vision allows young boys to see through women's dresses.

Eagle: A symbol of freedom for the United States. The top rank of the Boy Scouts. Unfortunately, a name that is reserved for Native Americans.

Earl: A needlefish and an English nobleman's title. Sounds like "hurl," which is synonymous with regurgitation.

Earnest: Honest, sincere. Exception to the rule: if you feel it is important, you may be Earnest.

Ebenezer: Miserly curmudgeon who grudgingly accepts the joy of Christmas. God bless us, every one!

Einstein: Clever one with wild hair. One may never live up to the name, and will always be subject to comments like these: "Nice shot, Einstein" or "Who knows the answer, Einstein?"

Elder: Will get far more respect from the other children due to his long white beard and furrowed brow.

Elgin: Scottish lord who either stole the Parthenon marbles or spirited them to England for "safekeeping." Also used by police with Latin subjects: "Put down Elin and come out with your hands up."

Elijah: An actor typecast for life as a ring-bearing hobbit.

Elmer: A white glue consumed by preschool children, and used to fix just about any household mishap that doesn't require duct tape. Destined to chase, but never catch, rabbits.

Elroy: In the absence of his parents, will be raised by the robot maid. His only friend is destined to be his dog, Rastro.

Elvis: There is only one Elvis.

Elvoid: The complete absence of Elvis qualities.

Enigma: A puzzled child destined to spend thirteen years as a philosophy major without ever graduating college.

Eros: Short, chubby, naked baby with wings and a prayer. Tends to shoot at lonely people with a bow and arrow to inspire them to jump in bed together.

Erwin: The phrase used when beginning the story about how the car wreck was not your fault. Usually uttered after curfew has passed. Famed hunter of amphibious reptiles.

Espin: Only a sports fanatic with cable TV would consider this name for a child. Exception to the rule: if you are a professional athlete, and want the guys at the network to give you a little extra coverage.

Ethan: A thick sweater-wearing, curly-haired college kid who smokes a lot of pot.

Eubie: Someone new to speaking Black lingo.

Eugene: DNA strand believed to be responsible for math ability. Why not just give him a CPA, bow tie, and plain polyester sport coat? That way, you'll be done with it!


F

Falco: Pop star of the '80s known for his tight pants and unintelligible English. See also Amadeus.

Farmer: One who wears baggy trousers and floppy hats, and has an affinity for sheep.

Farteaun: The musical register of one's flatulence.

Ferris: A teenager who can get away with anything. Also, a bubbly expensive water.

Fifine / Fifi: A miniature French poodle that accompanies its owner to the salon and is dyed pink for special occasions.

Flavious: The Roman god of tasty meals.

Flavo: The short-lived '50s cartoon mascot on the glass jar of fish bouillon cubes. A Southweatern chef's special reserve, but not quite VSOP quality.

FoFo: Because PoPo was already taken.

Francisco: A sourdough lover and gay boy from the get-go. Exception to the rule: last name, Franco.

Free: Absolutely no charge. Better for a boy than for a girl, about whom it could easily be said that she just gives it away.

Fritz: A plump German exchange student.

Fritznel: Schnitzel made from Fritz.