Selling someone on Scientology on the first date

Happy Valentine's Day, I guess.

High-scoring words of the day so far:

VIAND (255 points) - against Nicky G. [two 5W] {a good deficit-erasing word}
EMOTE (186 points) - against Patrick M. [5W, 4W]
LAXEST (169 points) - against Will B. [two 3W]
DEFOAM (176 points) - against Kit D. [4W, 3W]

Just because it IS Valentine's Day, I present to you another segment of dumb dates!

These are from my copy of America's Dumbest Dates: Over 500 Tales of Fumbled Flirtations.

The Art of Conversation

"Right up front, as I'm twirling my pasta, he announces that he's bisexual. Actually, he says, he likes men more than women. But he'd like to have a family. All he'd really need are Friday nights and occasional summer Sundays off, with no questions asked. What did I say? Was I interested?" - Pamela, age 23.

"He started the evening by telling me about his prison record. About life on the inside. He thought this was entertaining." - Lisa, age 33.

"On our first date, as soon as we get in the car, Daryl announces that the cold sore on his mouth is only a cold sore, nothing more. He says that it has nothing to do with what's below his waist." - Andrea, age 27.

"I asked Camille to tell me about herself. She told me that she'd died during the Black Plague, been killed on the guillotine during the French Revolution, helped with the Underground Railroad before the Civil War, and had been a personal slave to some Egyptian pharaoh, but she couldn't remember which one - it was so long ago. She told me the names she went by in several of her incarnations and detailed a star-crossed love affair with a man of the wrong caste in India. She asked if I was in touch with my previous lives. When I told her that I was having enough trouble with this one, she told me that I was spiritually a child." - Martin, age 28.

"I noticed Marian in church, and, after the service, I was amazed when she walked up to me and said that the Lord had told her that I was going to be her husband. So I took her to dinner. I had to go out with her; I'm sure I'll have to marry her. Who's going to argue with the Lord?" - Peter, age 26.

"Before we'd ordered drinks, he announced that he was never getting married again. So if marriage was what I wanted, we'd better quit right then. I asked if I could find out his last name before I decided. He sparred with me. Interpreting everything as manipulation. Asked me how much time I spent putting on my makeup. Accused women of "setting traps" for men. When I objected to the generalization, he asked if I was one of those ball-busting feminists." - Wendy, age 42.

"First date: Waiting for dinner, he said that he was mostly impotent, but he'd like to get married. What did I say to that?" - Callie, age 23.

"He started the conversation by saying that he wasn't the type for monogamy, and that I shouldn't expect marriage. If that's what I wanted, he wasn't for me. "Look, I don't want to get in your way - you gotta do what you gotta do." He was breaking up with me before we even went out." - Lily, age 32.

"When Paige found out I was an attorney, she went ballistic. She chewed me out, said her lawyer was an imbecile, and said her ex-husband's was a scoundrel who got away with ripping her off in their divorce settlement and it was somehow my fault because I was a lawyer too." - Burton, age 41.

"He confessed that he was married, but that his wife was in a nursing home permanently, having suffered a severe stroke years ago. Nice try, I thought. I happen to know the lady; she's in my book club." - Sylvia, age 57.

"Adrian started our date by announcing she was going to have a child. No, she wasn't pregnant. She was in the process of picking the father. Was I interested?" - Michael, age 27.

"All he could talk about was money. The cost of new cars, running shoes, the overhead in his business. His financial plans, including his assessment of his tax situation, didn't make for a very romantic conversation... although I did learn about a new tax-exempt investment fund." - Ernestine, age 24.

"All though our date, Gary talked about his business. Like I cared about his prospect list or how many air-conditioning units he intended to sell this year." - Kim, age 26.

"Every other word was a curse word. Specifically, the F-word. The man could not make a sentence nor express a coherent thought without putting "effing" in front of it." - Brittany, age 25.

"Joel complained at length about how women hit on him. They'd ask for his number, call him at home, at work. Fax him. Beg him to tie them up, use handcuffs. Offer to pay him for his sexual services. Poor guy. He was so tired. I made sure he got home early, and told him to take his phone off the hook." - Penny, age 33.

"Rachel kept correcting my English. "Not 'who'; 'whom.'" Or "Not 'me'; 'I.'" She complained about my so-called "accent." It was like being out with your English teacher." - Joe, age 38.

"All Stan talked about was food. The nuance of bay leaf in the brisket. The color of the wine. The texture of the watercress. He talked about every item on the menu. He read it and reread it. Aloud, like poetry." - Benita, age 46.

"Being out with Trevor was like taking a psychological test. He asked why I chose each word I spoke - why did I say "pasta" instead of "spaghetti," stuff like that. He asked why I wore mascara, why I prefer flats to heels - was I upset about being tall? I felt probed, like someone was invading my skull." - Lorene, age 41.

"Every date with Roger was like the first - because he never listened. Never remembered anything I'd said." - Irene, age 34.

"Jill spoke MBA. She wanted to "prioritize our activities" so we could "maximize our time." A relationship would "impact" on her life plan. Her parents "make a great team." Maddening." - Calvin, age 38.

"Our date was like a job interview. He wanted to know what I wanted from life, where I wanted to be five years, ten years. Which I valued more: security or opportunity. He asked me to write my epitaph. I said, "Here lies Marilyn. She dated her share of jerks." He laughed." - Marilyn, age 34.

"Phoebe tried to sound intelligent. She used a lot of syllables, but the wrong words. I called a kid who works for me IMPUDENT, and she shook her head. "Now wait just a minute. Just because you don't like him doesn't mean he can't get it UP," she said." - Brian, age 29.

"She was a Scientologist and tried to sell me on it. I'm talking relentless, high-pressure techniques. She was like a pit bull, not letting go. There are used car salesmen who could learn a lot from her." - Drew, age 34.

"Elise looked into my eyes and warned me not to get involved with her. "When I have strong feelings for someone, I interfere with their aura. It's unintentional. I can't help it, but I'm sort of an emotional stalker. I sap their energy," she told me." - Rick, age 33.

"Florence said whatever came into her mind. It was amazing. I'd never imagined that a human being could have so many thoughts, let alone form so many sentences, about so little." - Dylan, age 44.

"Stan showed me that he had "Stacey" on his arm, and pulled up his sleeve to show me "Brenda" on his shoulder. Then he winked and declared that he'd saved the spot over his heart for me." - Valerie, age 23.

"Jay was quiet. No, that's not it. Jay didn't speak. He COULD, he just didn't. If you enjoy dead silence, he's the guy for you. When I wanted chitchat, I had to create it myself. He was an excellent listener. But when I ran out of monologue, there was Jay, with no response. After our date, he called me on the phone, said hello, and waited for me to talk." - Sara, age 26.

"Over cocktails, he declared that he was still only separated, not divorced... and that he had herpes and had had a vasectomy. Then he told me to tell him about myself." - Vera, age 31.

"Tanya told me that she was the best thing that could ever happen to me. She said this about thirty times, in case repeating it would make me believe it. Actually, she has me thinking about it." - Roy, age 44.

"Paul talked military. When I told him anything significant, he nodded and said "I copy." He told the waiter to "stand by" while we read the menu, and called the men's room the "latrine." When I asked him to get my coat, he replied ROGER, WILCO." - Ellen, age 27.

"He did imitations. The whole night. Every time he talked, he "did" somebody else: James Cagney, Cary Grant, Ronald Reagan, Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Carrey, Burt Lancaster, some rapper. I have no idea who HE is. Or what his own voice sounds like." - Elaine, age 31.

"She worried about everything. If she looked okay, if her hair looked good. If she was dressed right. If she was too late. If we'd be on time. If there was too much traffic. If they'd hold the reservation. If the meat would be too rare, if she'd ordered too much, if I was spending too much, if she was getting fat. During dinner, she worried about the ozone layer, the gorillas, the situation in Iraq. She worried that, while we were eating dinner, rain forests were being chopped or burned down. She even worried that she was worrying too much and spoiling our date." - Mel, age 41.