Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer.

UGH... TIME CHANGE! *ew*

Jack Bauer Facts!

I'll post these in parts of about 100 each, haha.


1. Jack Bauer can make Chloe smile.
2. Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
3. Jack and Dr. House are good friends. As soon as Jack kills a man, House saves him so Jack can kill him again.
4. Jack Bauer once tortured his mother to find out the location of his Christmas presents.
5. Jack Bauer didn't complain a single moment about flying a nuclear bomb to the desert. You complain when you have to drive to the store to get milk.
6. If you look up "terrorist" in the dictionary, you will not see Jack Bauer, but Jack Bauer will see you.
7. All Video games now feature four difficulty levels: Easy, Normal, Hard, and Jack Bauer... No one has ever beaten the game on Jack Bauer.
8. Jack Bauer got to level 71 on Tetris. Blindfolded.
9. If Jack Bauer doesn't kill you on the first shot, he is trying to torture you.
10. When Kobe shoots 46 times, he scores 81 points. When Jack Bauer shoots 46 times, he kills 46 terrorists.
11. The only kill Jack Bauer has ever regretted is Nina Myers, but that's only because he didn't get to torture her beforehand.
12. Jack Bauer beats Asians in Dance Dance Revolution.
13. Jack Bauer is the President's easy button.
14. Jack Bauer did not hire clowns for Kim's birthday parties. He stood in front of the children and demanded they enjoy themselves.
15. Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ballpoint pen. This led to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
16. Drive-Thrus are open for 24 hours because if Jack Bauer wants a chalupa, goddammit, Jack Bauer gets a chalupa.
17. If you're a passenger in the car that Jack Bauer is driving and he gets a call from the President, ask to be let out at the corner. Somebody is going to die.
18. To Jack Bauer, Level 8 Security just means it takes 8 seconds to infiltrate.
19. Jack Bauer told Chloe that she was the best computer technician in the world. He then told her something she didn't know about computers.
20. When Jack Bauer goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe and instead requests a handgun and a bucket.
21. Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
22. Jack Bauer's parents taught him hide and seek at age 4, and they are still trying to find him.
23. Jack Bauer can eat just one Lays potato chip.
24. Upon being slapped by the doctor after being born, the first words out of Jack Bauer's mouth were "son of a b*tch."
25. When Jack Bauer says he sees dead people, he's serious because he killed them all.
26. Jack is the reason Chloe has an EX-husband.
27. Kobe would pass to Jack Bauer.
28. Father's Day is changing its name to Jack Bauer Day since Jack Bauer most likely is your father.
29. Jack Bauer is allowed to leave his phone on during a movie.
30. Jack Bauer doesn't think in terms of right and wrong, just "what I'm going to do" and "why the hell are you slowing me down?"
31. Wayne Gretzky is 'The Great One' because Jack Bauer does not play hockey.
32. Statistically, the most dangerous occupations in America are: Logger, fisherman, pilot, and knowing Jack Bauer is alive.
33. The reason that it's forbidden in Islam to create a likeness of Muhammed is that Muhammed is afraid that Jack Bauer will recognize him.
34. Jack Bauer's only kidding. He knows who you're working for.
35. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Unless the bird is in Jack Bauer's hand. Then that fucking bird is dead.
36. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.
37. In the Mortal Kombat preliminary rounds, Goro had 6 arms when fighting Jack Bauer. He still does; 4 on his body, and 2 in his ass.
38. Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled "Son of a B*tch."
39. Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, but he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
40. Congress authorized the minting of a 24-dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
41. While being "put under" in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
42. The State of the Union Address was originally scheduled for Monday night. Jack Bauer made the President change it to Tuesday.
43. Colin Farrell smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. Jack Bauer smokes a pack of terrorists anytime he feels like it.
44. Jack won with rock even when paper covered him. No one can cover Jack Bauer.
45. In sixth grade, Jack Bauer refused to play dodgeball. Jack Bauer only plays hardball.
46. Jack Bauer gives cigarettes cancer.
47. Jack Bauer is the only reason Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to millions of children in a 24-hour period.
48. One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
49. It was once believed that Jack Bauer actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by Jack himself to lure more terrorists to him. Terrorists never were very smart.
50. A black cat crossed Jack Bauer's path and was promptly hit by a car.
51. For his 40th birthday, Jack Bauer wished that Nina Myers was alive. So he could kill her again.
52. Jack Bauer plays dodgeball with a bowling ball.
53. Jack Bauer's death was not staged. Jack came back to life after Satan was too scared to let him into Hell.
54. If you shoot Jack Bauer in a dream, you'd better wake up and apologize.
55. In an average living room... there are 1,242 objects Jack Bauer could use to kill you, including the room itself.
56. Whoever said, "You can't win 'em all" obviously wasn't talking to Jack Bauer.
57. Jack Bauer once found the cure for cancer. He destroyed it immediately after he realized that cancer was the only thing giving him competition in the 'Deaths per Day' category.
58. Jack Bauer doesn't tie his shoelaces. He points a gun at his shoes and dares them to fall off.
59. At work, Jack Bauer squeezes grenades / necks / triggers. Stress balls are for pussies.
60. Jack Bauer doesn't cry. The man you see is his "emotion double."
61. While most children were playing Cops and Robbers, Jack Bauer was playing Jack Bauer and Robbers. Those men are still in jail today.
62. Scissors are scared to run with Jack Bauer.
63. Those guys on Prison Break should give up, Jack Bauer will only hunt them down next season.
64. If you have to ask Jack Bauer what time it is, it's already too late.
65. If Jack Bauer were to fall into the ocean... he would not get wet, the ocean would get Jacked.
66. Jack Bauer doesn't follow the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Bauer asks, and you'd better tell. Or else.
67. Jack Bauer doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He only wears one to protect the bullets.
68. The opening scene of Saving Private Ryan is loosely based on games of dodgeball Jack Bauer played in second grade.
69. Jack Bauer once played Pictionary blindfolded and still ended up killing 3 terrorists.
70. Jack Bauer doesn't need to memorize his PIN. He just tells the ATM machine, "You're gonna give me $60 in 20s. It's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
71. Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer's ever seen.
72. Sliced bread is the best thing since Jack Bauer.
73. Jack Bauer's file says he was the commander of Special Forces after being in the Army for 20 years. In truth, he WAS the Army's Special Forces for 20 years, but he wanted a new challenge after he toppled the USSR.
74. President George W. Bush submitted a letter of appreciation to Jack Bauer and the writers of 24 for making a more unlikeable president than himself.
75. Jack has 2 wet lists. One is a list of all known terrorists around the world.. the other is a list of all women who have thought about Jack Bauer.
76. Dirty Harry once told Jack Bauer to "Make My Day." Seen any new Dirty Harry movies lately?
77. It would take the entire teams of CSI Vegas, CSI Miami and CSI NY to process a murder scene where Jack Bauer was responsible for the body count.
78. Jack Bauer walked into traffic and killed 3 cars.
79. Jack Bauer's mom asked him who he loved more, her or his country. To this, Jack chuckled and responded, "You know that answer" as he snapped her neck. Jack Bauer hates dumb people.
80. Jack Bauer is the reason Jason Bourne cannot remember anything. Bourne should consider himself lucky he does not remember Jack.
81. If Jack Bauer forgets to spring ahead for Daylight Savings Time, time itself will simply stop while Jack catches up.
82. If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.
83. Contrary to popular belief, the clock noise on 24 isn't recorded. It's a live feed from Jack Bauer's heart.
84. The CTU LA Employee of the Month has been eliminated since Jack Bauer came around. They now have an Employee of the Hour, and Bauer has won all but one of these awards... RIP George Mason.
85. We call it "Girls Gone Wild." Jack Bauer calls it "Whenever Jack Bauer enters a room."
86. The Dept. of Homeland Security's threat advisory (e.g. "red-severe") is just a measurement of how pissed off Jack Bauer is.
87. In the event of a crash, your corpse doubles as Jack Bauer's flotation device.
88. Jack Bauer can make you remember things you never knew.
89. 'Lesbian' is a Latin phase, which roughly translates to "She who has not yet been introduced to Jack Bauer."
90. Oxygen requires Jack Bauer to survive.
91. Jehovah's Witnesses skip Jack Bauer's house.
92. Jack Bauer once played 18 holes of golf and shot a 17.
93. In God we trust, but God trusts Jack Bauer.
94. The devil sold his soul to Jack Bauer.
95. It's not considered nerve gas until it gets on the nerves of Jack Bauer.
96. Jack Bauer would laugh in the face of danger, but Jack Bauer doesn't laugh.
97. Dave Chappelle shot a 24 parody for Season 3 of his show. Jack Bauer found out. Dave Chappelle ran away to South Africa.
98. If Jack Bauer told you to stop looking at these facts, you would stop looking at these facts.
99. The only reason Audrey Raines sold schematics to the terrorist was so Jack could push her up against a wall like he does in her fantasies.
100. Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.