Eight hours and fifteen minutes to check email?! / Taking A Dump At Work

it just took me about eight hours and fifteen minutes to check my email and reply to almost all comments..
that's unacceptable, and I know it's not my computer..
probably more LJ pissiness, and what else is new?
at least Stephen said hi, even if he was busy..
I understand his being that way.. things do happen!
(now I'm the one who can't wait to talk.. go figure :P)
Farrah also provided me with much strangeness / hilarity..
maybe I should call Shannon back later from last night..
sorry, but my long-distance person was using a phone card..
I'm still amazed at how much we managed to fit in.. go, us!


This is the text of Taking a Dump at Work:

Taking a Dump at Work

Memorize these definitions, and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


Conversation I had with my friend Farrah:

AlenaBrolxFlami (1:06:14 PM): yeah, the page loaded fine before I got blue-screened and had to restart..
FidUsangelus (1:07:20 PM): that sucks :/
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:08:38 PM): yeah.. oh well..
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:08:46 PM): at least I had a great time last night!
FidUsangelus (1:08:51 PM): maybe it'll work yesterday
FidUsangelus (1:08:53 PM): :D cool
FidUsangelus (1:08:54 PM): R*Y#P*RY
FidUsangelus (1:08:55 PM): *tomorrow
FidUsangelus (1:09:00 PM): oh my crud :[
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:10:02 PM): uh.. I know you're out of it, but just how out of it are you? :P
FidUsangelus (1:10:10 PM): hahaha
FidUsangelus (1:10:13 PM): too out of it :-(
FidUsangelus (1:10:20 PM): maybe i should've slept in a couple more hours
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:11:39 PM): sorry, it's kinda funny.. haven't laughed this much since yesterday when someone said something was "the bomb" (that phrase will set me off every time, and it's nothing to do with 9/11.. some in-jokes with me and my sibs :P)
FidUsangelus (1:11:52 PM): sigh :-(
FidUsangelus (1:11:58 PM): i'm sure i'd be laughing too :O
FidUsangelus (1:12:12 PM): if i hadn't been the one that said it, anyway
FidUsangelus (1:12:13 PM): sigh
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:13:20 PM): yeah.. that can be quite embarrassing.. "oh my.. I said that?! excuse me while I go hide now.."
FidUsangelus (1:13:32 PM): i do that quite a lot these days
FidUsangelus (1:13:35 PM): (as you can see :-( )
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:13:59 PM): yeah, I'm sure you do.. but then I can do that too..
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:14:06 PM): just not as evident now..
FidUsangelus (1:14:17 PM): but one of these days
FidUsangelus (1:14:22 PM): i'll catch you saying something strange :-(
FidUsangelus (1:14:27 PM): then it'll be my turn to laugh
FidUsangelus (1:14:29 PM): let's hope it's soon
FidUsangelus (1:14:30 PM): haha
AlenaBrolxFlami (1:14:41 PM): haha, probably that will happen.. yay.
FidUsangelus (1:31:59 PM): argh o_o
FidUsangelus (1:32:01 PM): i'm gonna go, haha
FidUsangelus (1:32:02 PM): byebye
FidUsangelus signed off at 1:32:07 PM.

So yes.. in case you were wondering, "the bomb" has absolutely nothing to do with 9/11. Eric, my siblings, and I started that joke in the summer of 2000.. and no, I'm not telling you what it means. :P Although we have subsequently wondered a few times whether we'd be considered insensitive by "outsiders" who don't get the Richmond Crew jokes! ;)

Let's just say I laughed a little TOO much last night on the phone.. but those were good times! (yes, they were..)