Hannibal, Hiram, Ichabod, and Indiana

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This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

H

Halliwell: Will wear baby doll dresses and cause the breakup of all groups to which he belongs.

Handsome: Will invariably turn when women on the corner yell "Hello, Handsome!"

Hannibal: Roman general best known for using elephants to cross the Alps. Will have a fondness for liver, fava beans, and Chianti.

Hansel: With his sister, Gretel, ate a cookie house and convinced the evil witch that they were skin and bones. First documented example of sibling eating disorders.

Happy: A dwarf who will be used as an example when others are anxious. "Don't worry, be Happy!"

Harold / Harry: When he's swimming at the pool, people will wonder why he's wearing a sweater vest. Likely to reach puberty earlier than the other boys.

Hauk: The unpleasant nouse associated with clearing one's throat in order to collect a loogie.

Hayden: Don't be Hayden!

Hazelup: Non-caffeinated nut protein soda made popular after the granola-like bars were found to be carcinogenic.

Hector: A garbage collector. Also, the son of King Priam and Queen Hecuba of Troy, and leader of the kingdom's forces during the Trojan War. His death at the hands of Achilles foretold the fall of Troy. A common name for Mexican taxi drivers.

Henri: Ornery and cantankerous French child.

Henry: Ornery and cantankerous chicken.

Herschel: A great American chocolate bar, with or without nuts. Likely to be overweight and have chronic acne.

Hiram: Common name for a hired man or an indentured servant. Definitely not as glamorous as, and certainly more blister-making than, being a kept boy.

Holt: To capture or keep tight.

Honor: The inevitable subject of joking by adolescent males. "Now, where were you last night? Honor?"

Horace: A quality of voice most notable after a particularly close football game, a street fight, or a bad throat cold.

Horatio: One who is always excited for entertainment.

Huggy Bear: A '70s television show character best remembered for snitching on his friends, and having poor taste in clothing. See also Vinyl.

Hunter: An orange vest- and camouflage-wearing boy who doesn't catch and release.

Hutch: A kitchen cupboard or a '70s policeman played by David Soul. Or was that Starsky? See Starsky.

Hyman: A casual male greeting. Brother to Cherry.


I

Ian: A really long time.

Ichabod: May be a thin, awkward schoolteacher chased by headless horsemen.

Ideal: An online bargain. Radial keratotomy negotiation. Common placard in a used-car lot.

Iggy: Fine if your child is a little green monster.

Igor: One-eyed lab assistant whose key attribute is hand-wringing. Effective if your goal is to see child employed at a glove-manufacturing plant.

Ima: Will be perpetually subject to the childhood game "I know you are, but what am I?"

Indiana: Rugged alter ego of an otherwise boorish academic anthropologist.

Irelan: Neighbor of Englan, Wale, and Scotlan.

Ivan: Gimme-grabbee child whose only goal is the fulfillment of his own desires.