Cameron, Chevrolet, Colonel, and Cosby

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

C


Cache: Money. Also, computer memory used to continually update one's operating system.

Caesar: Salad ordered most often on first dates with a Diet Coke. Also, wearer of wreaths, one who is stabbed in the back.

Caleb: Biblical, yes... but in this day and age, very soap opera-ish. Also, a waxy chocolate substitute.

Cameron: Technology that allows you to capture all of your best memories in photographic form.

Captain: One who commands a starship where no man has gone before. Exceptions to the rule: if your last name is Kirk or Antennille.

Carew: A smaller, less crescent-shaped nut that is not as salty / tasty / popular as its larger, better cousin.

Carlos: Used for maximum effect when juxtaposed with a non-Hispanic surname. (Carlos Bernstein, Carlos McDougal, Carlos Romanoff) Also a good name for a foraging canine.

Carmel: Popular beachfront community generally inhabited by former celebrities. Sweet and chewy substance added to macchiato. As a general rule, it is best to avoid the matching of names and foodstuffs. See also Sugar.

Carson: A child who is popular for no known reason.

Carter: A jovial peanut farmer or cable TV carpenter who measures once and cuts twice.

Caruso: One who is lost at sea.

Carvel: An annoying ice cream maker whose franchises have been pegged to the East Coast.

Casper: A friendly ghost. A homosexual albino.

Cedric: A Celtic chieftain, or an entertainer.

Champion: A winner or a spark plug. Let the kid earn this title himself; otherwise, you open the door to major entitlement issues.

Chanse: An opportunity. A slight possibility, as in "There is a Chanse that your son is gay."

Charger: One who plays football in San Diego. Also, one that clips on to a battery and provides power.

Charles / Chuck: Another name reminiscent of vomit. Not a good name for the banana rhyming song either.

Chase: To run after. In dogs, to blindly spin in circles to get to that pointy thing that keeps showing up in their periphery.

Chevrolet: General Motors vehicle that may be recalled at some point in its life. Exceptions to the rule: If your last name is Citation, Motors, or Cavalier.

Chip-wa: Sound made by martial artist prior to delivering a deadly blow.

Christian: Reserved for gentiles.

Christopher: One who sails the ocean blue. Also, odd boy whose best friends are stuffed bears and tiny pigs.

Chumchum: Sound made when clearing one's throat.

Cleveland: City often mistaken as the capital city of Ohio. See also Columbus. Exception to the rule: if you aspire to raise a cardsharp.

Cody: A meth lab-running, strip-club-at-lunch kind of guy.

Colby: A mild cheddar cheese from the woods of New England.

Cole: A black, organic substance often used as BBQ fuel.

Colin: A cancer-prone part of the body near the rectum made famous by Katie Couric.

Colonel: Crunchy remains of unheated popcorn. Also, leader of a ragtag troupe of former army experts including Mr. T. Exceptions to the rule: if your last name is Blake, Potter, or (last-middle or hyphenated combination) George Peppard.

Columbus: The capital city of Ohio. See also Cleveland. One who DISCOVERED America... right after the Native Americans. Exceptions to the rule: if your last name is Ohio, Day, or Sailedtheoceanblue.

Connor: One who swindles lunch money from the other kids. Also, one who will rise to save the world from the machines.

Cosmo: The big-haired, crazy one from Seinfeld.

Count: Purple-skinned, white-fanged Muppet whose OCD manifests in fanatic numerology that rarely explores numbers past twenty.

Coy: A mutated, large goldfish.

Coyote: One who is unable to trap quick birds for consumption. One with a penchant for pre-Costco warehouse products.

Crispin: Lunatic actor who can kick... high.

Crosby: Long-haired singer of harmonies, generally known for drug abuse.