Kotex advertisements, embarrassing pad stories

By complete coincidence, I'm listening to Zakk Wylde's Black Label Society and their song Bleed For Me. :D This icon is also appropriate:


Here's something really funny that Janina posted in her journal, so I'll post it in mine as well. Heh, that's what makes this go round! :D

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
* Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
* Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
* Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
* Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously, the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell... but go ahead... I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya.. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I guaran-damn-tee you that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps... well, guess what! The only activities that interest me are eating.. sleeping.. bitching or crying for no apparent reason... and oh... does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbiturates. Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in with the wine and beer.

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce that... helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!! So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies and the smiley faces and shove them right up your ass!

P.S. How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of bourbon to your packages instead?


Reminds me of a couple of stories that I have...

1. A bunch of people from church were at Summer Conference in 2000. My brother had to drive back to town to play at a Canada Day gig. So in addition to calling his cell to tell him that he HAD to order pizza for us when he got back (because the food there was TERRIBLE!), my sister also called him to tell him that he had to get some pads from the bathroom at home because of an emergency. (people had them there, but not enough if you know what I mean) So my brother asked her what he should get since he saw a variety of them there... anything was good, said my sister. When my brother got back to the conference and saw everyone hanging out in the lounge, he apparently couldn't get rid of the pads fast enough, so he scattered them all over the floor for my sister and Erin to pick up! o_O

2. My sister and her friend Terrence apparently know some really rich dude in Toronto who would bring caviar / smoked salmon / wine for them to try, and loaned Steph his wheels to go grocery shopping: of course she'd buy stuff for Terrence, but not tell the rich dude! Oh, and apparently the dude was so sheltered (being raised by a Chinese drill sergeant of a father that didn't want his mind "polluted with sexual knowledge") that he didn't know what a maxipad or tampon was until the age of 20! This one time at Steph's residence, Terrence told people this joke: "What sucks blood and has wings, but doesn't fly?" My sister decided to give Rich Dude an object lesson, so she ran upstairs to get some maxipads and tampons for him. On the way down, she tripped and little wrapped packages went flying everywhere. The postman chose this inconvenient time to arrive, and my sister was SO embarrassed since he knew her face! (Mom sent her packages every two weeks or so) Afterwards, Rich Dude opened a package up and asked them if this wasn't a wetnap! Hahaha!