Tempest, Tryst, Urania, and Utopia

This is from What Not to Name Your Baby by Joe Borgenicht.

T

Tamette: A pocket tambourine. Name popular with circus fans.

Tamilisia: A rare form of memory loss caused by being struck in the head with a tamale.

Tandy: The childish pronunciation of Candy. Thinking she is speaking baby talk, strangers will give her no respect, and she will be laughed at during job interviews.

Taryn: An inhabitant of the planet Earth. The child will only be able to develop lasting friendships with fans of Star Trek.

Tea: The dried leaves of a shrub cherished by the British when it is soaked in scalding water, and consumed with small cookies in the most snotty way possible. Also, the surname of famed "boxer" who beat Rocky Balboa in the second, third, or fourth sequel.

Tempest: Furious agitation or commotion. A child with this name will find calm only after destroying every piece of household furniture you own. See also Stormy.

Tennille: One half of the greatest singing duo of all time, best known for their hit single Muskrat Love. See also Captain.

Thankful: Aware and appreciative of a benefit. And, believe me, the boys will be.

Tiara: An ornament, often jeweled, worn on the head. Not quite a crown, not quite a headband. This child will be destined for plastic surgery and pageant life.

Tonia: A unit of weight measurement equivalent to 2000 pounds. A big girl. Latin beyond praise.

Trauma: An event or situation that causes great distress and disruption. Much easier than having that "You were an accident" conversation later in life.

Treasure: Valuable or precious possessions often kept in a chest or box. A parent who gives a child this name should be prepared to guard that box carefully.

Trinity: A group consisting of three members. How many strippers' names can we fit into this book? Honestly, how many?

Trinket: A small, trivial thing. A child with this name will have the self-worth of a gnat.

Tryst: A clandestine meeting between two filthy, cheating, dishonest lovers. Wives and girlfriends will never trust a young woman with this name.


U

Ubah: A large brass horn. This child will be a band geek, the fat one at the end who can't march on beat.

Uma: A tall, thin actress who leaves cheating husbands in the dust. Also, a lizard with fringed toes.

Unique: The only one of its kind. Having been in the top one thousand US baby names since 1995, a child with this name will be anything but.

Urania: A troubled nation formerly a member of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Located somewhere around Lithuania or Albania, or one of those places. A radioactive substance used in weapons of mass destruction. Although never officially discovered, we know it's out there.

Ursa: A Latin name meaning "she-bear." Prone to hair-control problems and obesity, a child with this name will never find happiness.

Ursula: A North American butterfly, nearly black with red and blue spots and blotches. When asked about the splotches, a woman with this name will most likely answer, "I fell down the stairs" or "But he loves me, he didn't mean it!"

Utopia: An imaginary place considered to be perfect. A name suitable for a metropolitan sex shop owner.